365 things

a few months ago, i started a kind of secret blog called "seek gratitude." i started writing about things i was grateful for each day. but in november i stopped. i wasn't blogging much then and was focused on getting better. on christmas eve, wishing i had stopped to take in more of what invites me to feel grateful in my life and written every day on the other blog, i decided to make this list (and to post on the no-longer-a-secret blog too).

this gratitude list isn’t exactly in an order of importance (because it isn’t like i am grateful for warm toast more than my parents). if anything, it is more a timeline as i reflected on the year by month as i wrote it…though it isn’t really a timeline either (because i am always grateful for fuzzy socks, sushi, laughter, grey’s anatomy, and poetry). so really, just a list of 365 things i am grateful for in the year 2006. (and there are more things, i am sure of it. and i left important things off that didn’t come to me in my holiday chocolate buzz…but it is a list of some things that made this year what it was for me.)

1. the overall health of my family and friends
2. living with a man who loves me and supports the person i am becoming and wants to know me more each day
3. reading the time traveler’s wife. this book introduced me to derek walcott’s poem “love after love,” which led me to the poetry section of bookstores all around the seattle area.
4. the commitment to taking self-portraits
5. the telephone
6. the many, many meals jon cooked for us this year
7. the artist’s way (starting the journey of reading it with other bloggers)
8. poetry readings in the bath tub
9. warm toast with butter and cinnamon sugar
10. the music of the weepies
11. snow
12. polka dot flannel pajamas
13. all the little things jonny does for me (especially when i yell to him from the couch because i don’t want to move and he is in the room that has something i want in it)
14. buying my first books of poetry
15. friendships formed with so many bloggers this year. i am truly blessed to have connected with so many people in blog world in 2006. (i could probably write a list of 365 moments of these connections that i am grateful for…but i am letting this one just cover it.)
16. chocolate milk
17. being warm and safe in my home
18. mary oliver (the way she walks in nature with her words demands that i pay more attention)
19. william stafford (his spirit pours life into my heart)
20. may sarton (her poetry, her journals, her words)
21. a new typewriter
22. my yoga students
23. fuzzy socks
24. flickr
25. great pens that invite me to put all that is in my head to paper
26. hours spent playing the game diner dash. it is on my husband’s old computer though and i never did pass that last darn level.
27. grey’s anatomy
28. monthly (and eventually come November, weekly) trips to i love bento, our favorite sushi restaurant (because, we do, indeed, love bento)
29. morning pages
30. long hot showers where i solve the problems of the world
31. the movie brokeback mountain
32. the gift of being able to love
33. beginning to put paint to paper. swirling the colors together to form new colors.
34. spending time with my mother when i went back to indiana for a meeting
35. reading the kite runner in an airport with tears running down my face
36. reading wicked
37. hours spent on the phone with my friend heather
38. the pictures my aunt sent me. the one that means so much to me.
39. participating in a postcard swap and sending my art out into the world for the first time.
40. jon’s health (after an evening spent in the emergency room in february)
41. getting through the first year of missing my golden child traveler
42. artist dates
43. my neti pot
44. the way the crocuses in our front yard popped open in all their glory this year
45. the community of my yoga teacher training sangha. it was a true honor to be part of such a group.
46. drinking lots and lots of water
47. reading blogs and having that moment when you are reminded you are not alone, that yes, someone out there, the very person who wrote those words, completely knows how you feel about something
48. for our first full year with millie
49. the serendipitous way my group of portland blogger friends formed and all the time spent with them this year
50. moleskine journals
51. my yoga teacher laura
52. the shells that my grandmother kept in her room that my grandfather sent me
53. remembering to take my camera with me to capture life
54. phone conversations with my friend melissa rose that are full of laughter and silliness and truth and honesty
55. mug after mug of tea
56. longs talks with patty on yoga weekends
57. for the crazy, fucked up reality of realizing that with deep grief comes many gifts
58. for feeling comfortable swearing on my blog (finally)
59. stretching myself: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually
60. wandering through the aisles of the arts and crafts store to buy things like gesso and gel medium and other crazy things i had never used in my life
61. my friend julia
62. the birth of poetry thursday
63. jars of tulips throughout the house
64. conversations with my great-aunt honey
65. for writing, for getting it out of me
66. my favorite pink sweater (though jon shrank it last month…he didn’t mean to…when i was sick i put it in the washer and he put it in the dryer not knowing i didn’t want it dried…now i just look at it and wish it still fit)
67. deciding to start to tell more people about my blog
68. superballs (the ones that bounce and bounce)
69. that my friend beth lives nearby, even though we do not see each other as often as i wish we would, knowing she is here is a gift
70. moments where i find my way to the silly side of life
71. cherry coke
72. a realization about my eye and my parents and love
73. learning to say “no”
74. this post written by michelle
75. serendipity
76. naps
77. rain falling and keeping this corner of the world so green
78. emails exchanged with my grandfather
79. my friendship with kathryn, my yoga friend
80. hummingbirds at the feeder in the winter
81. poetry readings all alone in my house
82. reading life’s companion: journal writing as a spiritual quest by christina baldwin
83. taking pictures of myself each day during the month of march. so many poloroids of me drinking tea.
84. cosmopolitans
85. buying myself a superhero bracelet (and wearing it every single day)
86. my new laptop (even though it recently was not a friend to me, i have loved, loved using it over the last few months and am glad it is being nice again)
87. walks on the beach looking for sea glass (we don’t really have many shells out here…my grandma and i always looked for shells. but looking for sea glass, she would have loved that too. when i look for it, i think of her, i feel close to her and my memories.)
88. feeling safe
89. yoga pants
90. a trip into my memories of the songs of kenny rogers and how they are a part of the soundtrack of my life
91. cupcakes
92. my friend virginia’s strength of character
93. giggling as i painted a canvas for the first time
94. the moment when i realized exactly what to do
95. the music of jonatha brooke
96. for the day i realized that the little girl inside me is awake and dancing
97. being introduced to green tea with brown rice through a gift from my friend julia. every. single. day. it warms me up.
98. seeing the joy on my husband’s face as he watched me have so much fun painting and creating on the night i decided to go to artfest
99. deciding to go to artfest
100. the anticipation of artfest
101. my drive alone in the car up to artfest (singing “galileo” on repeat and just knowing my life was changing with every mile)
102. the companionship of my dear friend kelly throughout artfest. that because of our instant connection we had one another and just knew how the other was feeling through this incredible experience.
103. connecting with kim at artfest (we have known each other in past lives, of this i am certain)
104. meeting kristin steiner and taking a class from her at artfest. (this class changed my life. it did. it completely changed my life. and i am taking a class with her again next year.)
105. that jon came up to port townsend to stay with me during the weekend part of artfest
106. vendor night at artfest (one room. over 500 people. all like me. i was truly on overload.)
107. connecting with tracie lyn huskamp and her artwork (the moment that i stood at her table on vendor night, i knew there was a connection between two kindred spirits and it was so very cool to know she knew it too)
108. meeting blue poppy and walking with her, arms linked, on the beach at fort worden
109. teesha and tracy moore and all the good that they put out into the world
110. being forced to leap outside my comfort zone (even if i was kicking and screaming in my head)
111. learning how to use gel medium
112. the beginning of my love affair with fabric
113. talking on the phone with missy b. and loving how it feels like no time has passed
114. the chanting, yoga, and meditation class that i taught for a few months this year
115. that i decided to tell my dad about my blog
116. trips to portland
117. chocolate ice cream
118. learning to set boundaries
119. the afternoon dana and i spent at the point defiance zoo (and the friendship that began that day)
120. the hope for peace
121. knee socks
122. afternoons spent in letha’s studio
123. mount rainier
124. my friend juli and knowing she is out there in the world
125. the smell of freshly baked pastries wafting out of the french bakery near the market
126. millie sighing and then laying her head on my leg
127. comfortable shoes
128. hot chocolate
129. getting through the first year since my grandmother’s death. getting through the days approaching the anniversary, the days after as i remembered where i was and what we were doing and how i wished i could touch her just one more time.
130. seeing my brother for his 25th birthday
131. visiting powells for the first time
132. attending my first poetry reading
133. that my brother introduced me to daniel ladinsky’s translations of the poems of hafiz
134. watching the birds at the bird feeders (we had a goldfinch this year)
135. flip-flop weather
136. sitting on the couch with jon with my feet up on his lap
137. raspberries
138. how excited millie gets when she knows jon is home
139. the day dana agreed to host poetry thursday with me. because of her and our work together this project is growing more than i ever dreamed it might. (and that makes me so happy!)
140. fresh, ripe peaches
141. days when the sky is blue
142. for the days i listen to my body and dance dance dance around the house
143. noticing all five senses more often
144. honey nut cheerios
145. the right to vote
146. caller id
147. moments sprawled on the floor surrounded by art supplies
148. oprah
149. the artwork of theo ellsworth. when i need to invite my imagination to stretch a bit, i turn to his work. (i met him at artfest, and i still think about his humility and thoughtfulness. i just read that he is at the portland saturday market now. so go and meet him. you will be grateful for him too.)
150. eating at yuki’s in portland (three times this year)
151. finding my way to writing some fiction
152. being honest about feeling grumpy
153. the day an idea for the november weekend retreat of a small group of bloggers was born and all the anticipation leading up to it
154. snuggles
155. finding letters, notes, cards from my grandmother in unexpected places. over the years i have stuck them in books, drawers, boxes and when i clean or pick up a book for the first time in years, i find them. and even though i cry every time, i am so grateful for these unexpected pieces of her. she really did know me more than i ever realized when she was alive.
156. the west wing (how sad i was to see it end but how grateful i am that for seven years it was my escape from reality)
157. the wise words of my friend heather; she always has them ready to share
158. connecting with bloggers through comments
159. hearing rain falling on the roof as i drift off to sleep
160. turning 30 (and waving a thankful relief-filled goodbye to my twenties)
161. the gift of my sewing machine
162. sundays spent in pajamas
163. hearing my friend rebecca laugh during our phone conversations
164. my ipod nano
165. moments spent in meditation
166. the movie il postino
167. gram (jon’s 90-year-old grandmother)
168. homemade hummus
169. the song “we walk the same line” by everything but the girl
170. a little girl named rebecca louise paulson who invited herself into my life one day and keeps hanging around talking to me
171. listening to the song “virginia woolf” over and over and over again
172. that my grandfather survived the surgery for his hip and the other health problems he encountered this year
173. goat cheese and sundried tomatoes
174. long baths
175. the weekend retreat that ended my two-year yoga teacher training. it was incredible.
176. turning on the music of keith urban to wake me up and get me going when my mind becomes a bit sleepy when i work
177. margaritas (strawberry ones)
178. sitting quietly together
179. the kindness of complete strangers
180. deep, warm hugs
181. seeing the indigo girls in concert (twice, once with kelly and once with meg)
182. hours spent watching the show "weeds." it is sometimes nice to just lose myself watching really, really good tv like this show.
183. getting in touch with my inner love of totally inappropriate humor as i watched an evening with kevin smith.
184. moments of inspiration
185. phone conversations with my brother
186. that several of my friends gave birth to healthy, beautiful babies
187. fabric depot
188. realizing that i am grounded in my body. even though i have feelings about how i look and all that stuff, i am simply grounded in my body. it is a good thing.
189. paul simon
190. the words to paul simon’s song “once upon a time there was an ocean”
191. jon’s father coming to visit for father’s day weekend. good times.
192. seeing my husband interact with his father. the love that is there.
193. netflix
194. homemade iced tea
195. connection
196. al gore
197. moments of synergy
198. marc broussard’s song “home” (i dare you not to dance to it when you hear it)
199. taking my mom to port townsend when she was here for a visit, walking on the beach hand in hand
200. moments full of giggling
201. the time spent with my mom as we made a purse and an apron together
202. reconnecting with the memories that surround “the happy apple” via dana letting me borrow it (for months now…)
203. cracking up out loud watching hbo’s "entourage" (two words: johnny drama)
204. brie
205. homemade lemonade
206. moments when i feel sexy
207. picking up rocks as i walk along the sound
208. successfully sewing my first purse by myself
209. spending the fourth of july with friends
210. moments spent singing in the shower
211. that my brother is happy
212. the way god speaks to me through the pedicure lady at the salon i go to
213. being safe during a storm
214. a trip to jackson, wyoming to witness two friends get married. a beautiful day, wedding, experience.
215. spending time with friends who have known me half of my life
216. the poem “persimmons” by li-young lee
217. seeing my friends lindsey and brad so in love and hearing them tease one another as we sat together this summer
218. feeling pretty in a new dress
219. the grand tetons
220. that planes can fly
221. turquoise
222. stripey socks
223. starting the daily mirror meditation and the women who joined me during august and september
224. finding my way to write a poem about sex (and the thought of writing a few more about this subject)
225. the music of deb talen
226. seeing the moon in the middle of the day
227. safe travels
228. moments spent in child’s pose
229. that poetry helped me put into words all of the regrets i have about the days surrounding my grandmother’s death
230. spending the weekend in Portland with dana and her husband
231. the PEK (poetry emergency kit)
232. rainier cherries
233. ikea
234. moments spent chanting to shiva
235. orange, blue, brown, green, this year i have been drawn to these colors
236. seeing my mom’s side of the family at my cousin’s wedding
237. the joy on my cousin’s face on her wedding day
238. (selfishly) making it through the first family get-together without my grandmother (the first one is behind me now)
239. the hummingbird that flitted about right before my cousin’s wedding began
240. time spent with my mom in durango
241. standing at mesa verde and feeling
242. seeing wild horses. real ones.
243. having an incredible conversation with my cousin jeremy.
244. hydrangeas in bloom
245. dinners eaten at the table
246. spending the afternoon with kristen and meeting her family
247. rosie o’donnell joining the view
248. that my friend ryan is safely home from iraq
249. the poetry of sharon olds
250. my husband’s smile
251. a job where i can wear my pajamas or yoga clothes and just be comfy all the time and never have to wear heels
252. the memories remembered of a house filled with music when i was a child
253. reading eat, pray, love by elizabeth gilbert
254. the moment when i looked in the mirror and realized i could see myself as beautiful
255. that we own a drill and my husband isn’t afraid to use it
256. beginning to work full time as a stay-at-home-editor for my awesome boss
257. a steady paycheck
258. that my dad’s health is okay
259. spending the afternoon at the pike place market with maureen
260. netflixing huff, house, weeds, and so many good movies (with so many more to come)
261. freedom
262. ideas that wake me up in the middle of the night
263. moments when i have felt completely content
264. spending a day shopping with anne when she and my dad visited this fall. i am still smiling about the fun we had.
265. doughnuts and jam at the dahlia lounge (and the good conversation and laughter that went along with that meal)
266. watching a notre dame football game with my dad
267. seeing paul simon in concert
268. our new kitchen appliances
269. soft, luxurious towels from restoration hardware
270. the smell of vanilla
271. david whyte’s poetry
272. fleece
273. "studio 60 on the sunset strip" (still miss "the west wing" though)
274. organic lip balm
275. the gift of memory
276. reading poetry to my yoga students
277. my favorite soft knit green scarf
278. that our house didn’t burn down on a sunday in october
279. moments spent in the quiet
280. hanky pankies
281. hair long enough for two braids
282. red slippers
283. the ideas that come to me in the shower
284. the colors of the leaves on maple trees
285. curling up on the couch with my husband to watch "battlestar galactica"
286. subscribing to the new yorker
287. pumpkin scones
288. the website www.kittenwar.com (hours of fun)
289. a fall walk in the point defiance rose garden
290. great bras
291. the quiet of our new dishwasher
292. pumpkin spice lattes
293. writing truth
294. the ritual of lighting candles as dusk settles around us and blowing them out, sending blessings into the world
295. produce delivered right to our door
296. moments spent brainstorming with dana about PT
297. a weekend in november that i spent with six amazing, beautiful, incredibly talented, and wise women
298. the realizations, lessons, thoughts, ideas and so many other things that continue to wash over me because of that weekend in november (thank you)
299. feeling as i walk in my life
300. that jon took me to the doctor the night i finally admitted how ill i felt
301. that being ill and scared and unsure of what the future might hold gave me these moments where i realized how much i mean to my parents
302. paul simon’s song “wartime prayers” (listening to this song over and over again got me through november)
303. the gift of beginning to talk to my grandmother
304. friends calling and emailing when i was ill in november (thank you)
305. the moment when a doctor finally chose to listen to me
306. tomato soup and grilled cheese
307. hearing my friend katie’s voice on the phone in a moment when i just needed not to be alone. i know she doesn’t know it, but it meant so much to me.
308. watching ellen during my two weeks of being on the couch and laughing, laughing, laughing
309. buying myself a scarf from alicia’s "rosy little things" shop to cover my little scar
310. feeling rested
311. antibiotics
312. the constant companionship of a little stuffed animal named jeero who i took with me to every appointment and who i held during my horrible biopsy experience
313. the moment a fever breaks
314. comedy specials on HBO
315. white cheddar cheese and apple juice
316. candles from carla’s shop zena moon
317. the night i called my mom because i was scared and having nightmares while awake and she talked to me for an hour even though it was the middle of the night where she lives
318. cuddling on the couch with millie
319. my husband holding my hand through every moment of it (i will not forget)
320. the lessons (even the ones that invite me to feel like shit)
321. seeing and hearing david white read his poetry and talk about it
322. hearing david whyte read his new poem "start close in"
323. talks on the phone with jon’s mom
324. cargo pockets
325. listening to joshua radin sing his songs over and over and over again
326. polka dots
327. warm cozy sweaters
328. moments spent in cobra pose
329. owning that i am a serious person most of the time and realizing that i don’t need to apologize for it anymore
330. giving myself permission to not be serious in every moment of every day
331. deciding to make a stuffy for jon, and then making another one for heather
332. visiting my friend heather in la: seeing her corner of the world and just spending time with her
333. moments when a group of people sit together and laugh and laugh and tell stories and laugh some more
334. godiva chocolates (my favorite are the little open oyster shells)
335. heat
336. bloglines
337. finding the bright spots in the midst of deep disappointment
338. the moment when the owners of i love bento say, “thank you. bye-bye” as we leave their restaurant. each and every time it just makes me feel good inside.
339. gingerbread lattes
340. making some christmas presents this year
341. for not losing all my pictures from the last few years
342. new bangs
343. finding my crafty self
344. prayers
345. beginning to speak up (watch out world)
346. felt
347. finding a craft store less than a mile from my home (how could i have not known it was there until december of this year after living here for two and a half years?)
348. that we didn’t have to spend christmas stuck in an airport
349. for the kindness of jon’s parents
350. spending three days up in seattle with jon. tourists in our own corner of the world.
351. new make-up that just makes me feel good (thanks to thea’s suggestions)
352. christmas eve pajamas
353. that because we couldn’t go to colorado i got two pairs of christmas eve pajamas (jon had sent the other pair to his parents house so i got those a few days later) and we were able to spend christmas eve with friends
354. springing millie from the kennel so she could spend christmas with us
355. spending christmas day snuggled up on the couch with my husband in our pajamas stringing garland for our little tree and watching lots of movies
356. the movie night at the museum and the wonder i felt inside watching a museum come to life
357. winning an item on ebay
358. moments when i stop everything to get up, ipod nano tucked into my clothes, earphones on, and dance around the house. i love those moments. here’s to more of those moments in 2007.
359. my friend melissa rose’s sense of humor and the way she looks at the world. she invites me to be just a little less serious about things. (thank you)
360. continuing to find my way
361. the wisdom of others who came before me
362. that the new year brings the promise of all that is to come
363. creating an altar where i burn my daily “intention” candle
364. the six little words that were my favorite words of 2006: there is no evidence of cancer
365. the opportunity to learn the lessons without cancer
     

the doughnuts and jam experience

i watch the waiter as he arrives at the table with a bag. i hear the jostling of the contents as he shakes it, the squeak of the scissors as cuts it open. he places it in front of me and i peer into it and see: freshly, baked little puffed doughnut squares. i breathe in the yeasty smell. he puts mascarpone and cranberry butter in front of me. i instantly think, “where is the jam?” but don’t say anything. he walks away. i reach in and feel the sugary, warm texture, and break the first one apart. i pick up my knife and dip into the cranberry butter and smear it on one small corner of the first piece. the dough is delicious but the butter is a bit like cough medicine. i place the rest of the doughnut back in the bag and wait.

“sir, do you think there might be some jam back there?”

he comes back with a chagrined look, “all we have is what we serve with the duck. pear and ginger…well, it is a jam of sorts.”
“perfect.”

and it was.

i take out the piece of the first doughnut again and bring it up to my nose just to take in more of the fresh, bread meets cake smell. then i spread the jam onto it and take a bite. the tartness of the pear and ginger combination cut into the sweetness of the doughnut to form a dance of delight on my tongue. yes. a dance. i giggle as jon said, “it’s good?”

yes yes yes

my husband’s sometimes wicked belly wasn’t being nice to him at the end of this meal at the dahlia lounge last week. and though i was quite sympathetic because my belly is sometimes not my friend, i was also secretly gleeful that this meant I wouldn’t have to share.

i ate every single doughnut.

slowly pulling apart each square into tiny pieces and spread jam on each one. a ritual began.

reach in the bag. pull out a doughnut. breathe in. pull it apart and remark, “it is so warm.” break off a little piece, pick up knife and dip into jam, spread jam on little piece of doughnut, put knife down, bring doughnut to lips, insert, closes eyes, moan.

repeat.
repeat.
repeat.

sometimes mix things up with a sigh. a laugh. an exclamation, “oh…it is so good.”

and eat every single doughnut in the bag.

slowly. deliberately. revel in it.

breathe it in. every moment. every taste. every smell. every single bite. breathe it all in.

when you visit, we will go there. we will split the seafood platter appetizer and order salads. and then we will each order the doughnuts (because i promise you my friend, you are not going to want to share). and then, you will understand.

poetry found on a walk with a friend {poetry thursday}

poetry found on a walk with my friend heather along the venice canals

make mine red {self-portrait challenge}

back in the fall i saw bono on oprah and ordered my (red) shoes from converse. i even got to design them myself (you to can do the same thing - just go right on over to their website and support the red campaign).

to learn more about the campaign and supporting the global fund, check out these sites:

the global fund
(blog) red
(product) red

(and see more interpretations of the red theme at self-portrait challenge)

happy christmas

I wish you and yours a holiday filled with laughter, love, joy, and peace...

Jonny and I spent yesterday with Dana and her husband. It was wonderful to have such good friends to spend the holiday with. They even put up their tree and saved some ornamnets for us to put on the tree (because they knew we weren't going to put up our ornaments this year). We played yahtzee and hoopla and laughed and told stories and ate yummy food. (Thank you both.)

Today, Jon and I are enjoying movies (A Christmas Carol and Love Actually) and making some garland for our little tree (we found a little one left in the lot) and having fun with our presents and eating little appetizer foods while still wearing the pajamas we exchanged last evening...

These little trees were inspired by Stephanie over at little birds handmade. We gave them as some gifts this year. (I admit that I am sad that we didn't make some for ourselves...so that is why we are making some Posie-inspired garland for the tree today. I want to make something crafty just for us.)

a few days up in the city...

After Jon and I learned that there was no way we would be making it to Colorado for Christmas, we decided to head to Seattle for two nights at the Hotel Monaco. We did a little shopping, ate some good feed, played a new board game, enjoyed the jacuzzi tub, stocked up (I mean stole…I mean took the ones provided) travel size Aveda products, listened to the elevator from our “supposedly quiet room” all night long the first night (were too tired to notice the second), did some more shopping, ate the most amazing doughnuts for dessert (a whole post devoted just to them coming next week), read some poetry, read the paper, cuddled, watched Charlie Rose both nights (George Clooney and Clive Owen respectively), slept in, drank tea and lattes, walked up and down the steep hills of Seattle (okay one hill, twice, but it felt like several hills ten times), enjoyed the lights, listened to people caroling on the street as they waited for carriage rides (they were caroling just because), laughed, tried not to annoy each other too much, missed Millie, dreamed about living in the city some day (“when you write your book and get it published and we can have two houses”), wished we were in Colorado with Jon’s parents and the snow, were thankful many times that we were not stuck in an airport, walked hand in hand almost the entire time, found moments outside ourselves to remember...

The Hotel Monaco provides you with a goldfish in your room if you miss your pet…

While scared out of his mind and leery of all things moving, I got Sal, the goldfish, to pose for a photo shoot.







While drinking tea, I got Jonny to pose for a few shots too.

lighting a candle and deciding to really spend thursday with poetry

I light a candle

for healing
for hope
for peace
for light
for space to know
for support
for love
for spirit
for understanding

on tuesday, as the news came about darlene’s son’s accident and my uncle’s diagnosis of cancer, i lit a candle with these intentions. this candle burned throughout the day yesterday.

i light it again this morning.

i turn to my wise friend hafiz who speaks to me through the words of Daniel Ladinsky. I look through a few pages until I find the words that cause me to exclaim aloud, “this is fantastic.”

I Am Really Just a Tambourine

Good

Poetry

Makes the universe admit a

Secret

“I am

Really just a tambourine,

Grab hold

Play me

Against your warm

Thigh.”

********

shortly after i wrote tuesday’s post about choosing happiness, i had the opportunity to choose the opposite emotion and the universe continues to provide that opportunity over and over again.

the news of mark’s accident
the news of my uncle’s cancer

and then the following not-on-the-same-level-but-crap-doesn’t-the-universe-understand-that-it-is-the-holidays-at-all? stuff:

my computer, which seems at times to be my best friend as I use it for my job, my hobby, my connection to friends and this community, started to do some odd things (going in to standby mode while I was working for no reason at all). thinking I had backed everything up, my husband and the tech he was on the phone with reimaged my computer. which. means. I. lost. everything. that. wasn’t. backed. up. luckily, this did not include photographs or my writing. but it did include a lot of other stuff. it felt like my husband had picked up my computer and thrown it against the wall. to say I tapped into a feeling the opposite of happiness is an understatement (and the kicker – it didn’t even fix the problem).

yesterday morning, we were supposed to leave for colorado to spend christmas with jon’s parents and grandmother. that’s right, I said colorado. that place where they are having the blizzard. we tried to check-in and the delta kiosk computer said, “see an agent.” we had checked everything the night before but because we had to be there so early, we didn’t check it yesterday morning. we are still at home. bah humbug. our suitcases are still packed (one filled with gifts for them) and millie is still at the kennel in case we do get on a flight today/tomorrow (and i miss her). we expect though to stay here and spend another holiday unexpectedly without family. (did you read Monday’s post where I said I hadn’t decorated at all?) bah humbug. we do love spending the holidays just the two (three with millie of course) of us, but this was the year we were going to see family. with my illness last month and biopsy procedure that happened thanksgiving week, we had to cancel the plans to see my family. and now we may not see jon’s parents.

jon spent time on the phone again yesterday to try to fix the computer. yeah. still going in to standby mode while I am using it (no rhyme or reason to it).

this morning, jon went to drive my vw bug to go to the store to get milk (we had to throw it out when the power went out and I am a milk drinker but we didn’t get any knowing we would be leaving but heck, I want some today), my car would not start. nothing.

and I want to write about how there are so many things I am grateful for. because really, I know, I am so blessed. but right now, all I can muster is to light a candle and get ready to eat a doughnut and drink some milk after jonny gets back from the store. and then i will heed hafiz’s words and spend some time with some poetry…because i need to spend some time outside of myself. outside all the stuff inside my head.

(hafiz poem from the collection in the gift. shared here with permission. visit poetry thursday today to read more poetry and spend time outside yourself.)

i raise my glass to happiness {self-portrait challenge}

A toast to happiness.

The bracelet, a Christmas gift from my mother, has the phrase, “Choose happiness” stamped into it.

It is always a choice. All of it. Happiness, sadness, quiet, life, laughter, love, truth, anger, fear…all of it.

But to choose happiness; sometimes I think that this is the harder path. When you choose to live in your life with your eyes wide open, you see the other stuff…the ugly stuff. When you are wide open to it all, when your heart is wide open, you can be hurt. Over and over again. You feel things and understand things and notice things that others may not be willing to notice yet. When you are living in your life with your eyes wide open, you also see the beauty. The gorgeous moments. You see it all. And through it all, you have a choice. You always have a choice. This can seem so hard at times. So. very. hard. Yet, you have this choice. Which means, really, that you are on the path that is full and rich and alive. The other path, the one full of not paying attention, that is the one that is harder even though it feels easier.

And you can still choose.

To choose happiness, even in the midst of all that you know, even in the midst of the pain and the beauty...it is such an incredible choice. Full of light. Full of life.

So tonight, I raise my glass to happiness. To deciding to choose it a bit more often.

(to see other self-portraits of red visit self-portrait challenge)

********

(And I want to also say this. The giving of presents is something I enjoy. I am always on the lookout for little gifts for my friends, family, people in my life. The moment when I find the “perfect” gift – the gift you know another person needs, well, that makes me so happy. And I love it when I can also be there when they open it. And I admit that I love, love it when someone gives me a gift that is so "me." But to put this note into context, I have to be honest about something: The bah humbug [whispering now…martyr] in me sometimes resents opening a gift and knowing that the person just simply didn’t take the time to think of me but instead just said, “crap, I need something.” Little do they know that for me, a hand-written note means more than another empty picture frame. I know, yes people, I know, this isn’t the spirit of gift giving, but I am willing to be honest about this. However…opening the gifts from my mom last night, especially this bracelet and a necklace she bought me…well, I just felt my heart sigh inside [in a good way]. These gifts mean so much to me. Gifts from someone who is seeing me and the path I am on. Thank you.)

good morning monday (december 18)

enjoying

that I am finally getting into the spirit of the season. (I didn’t decorate this year. at. all. [insert gasp].) the christmas music is playing as I type this (sarah mclachlan – thanks for the recommendation geek girl) and I am singing along.

loving

my bangs. yep. i love them more than i want to admit.

gingerbread lattes

watching

the fox and the hound. oh how i love this film. i wish i had the dvd (i caught it on the disney channel). that little todd (the fox) just makes my heart happy. i actually have a cel from this film. the scene between todd and vixey when he gives her the flower.

watching over and over

pride and prejudice. the new one. (the one i boycotted in the theatre but now love to watch because it can be watched in a short amount of time. i love the bbc version, of course, but this one is quite delicious.) my heart goes pitter-patter watching this movie and i find myself giggling out loud.

the muppets christmas carol. this is one of my favorite holiday movies. i can pretty much recite the entire movie. it makes my heart very happy.

singing

joshua radin and (right now) sarah mclachlan

(getting ready to start) reading

fiction: the mercy of thin air by ronlyn domingue (thank you my friend)
nonfiction: name all the animals by alison smith (saw it on the shelf and knew i had to read it)
crafty: plush-o-rama by linda kopp (it is kind a secret for no reason other than i can’t believe i am doing this but i have started making stuffies)

creating

christmas presents (i will share pictures soon!)

cooking/eating

this paula dean recipe (we are making it for dinner tonight) [update: put in the actual link...and want to report that it was delicious!]

nutter butters. haven’t had them in years but they were the food of choice during the black out. I like to separate each layer and eat them one at a time. such yummy goodness (going to eat the last one after I post this…here’s hoping I still fit into my jeans after eating all of them).

peanut butter and jelly on toast.

anticipating

using the new juicer we bought as an early christmas present for me. I am going back to my childhood roots and drinking apple juice all the time (ever since the nurse handed me some after one of my procedures last month – I now have a never-ending thirst for it). now I will be able to make fresh apple juice from the organic apples we get each week in our delivery (I. cannot. wait.).

visiting jon’s family this week. we will be spending christmas with them. and they are so excited, which invites me to be so excited. it is so nice to have people say things like, “we can’t wait until you two get here.” seriously. they are the best.

the new movie night at the museum. is anyone else as excited about this movie as me? I love this idea. a museum coming to life. that is freaking cool.

feeling very grateful

that my family and friends are safe.

that I am learning how to speak the words that are (sometimes) trapped in my throat.

for the community that exists here in blog world. (thank you for you)

that our power is on and we are warm.

for all of the good memories I have of my grandma. I think about her so much this time of year (isn’t that what we do when we have lost someone?) and I spend a lot of time in the sad that I cannot have new memories. yet, today, listening to this music, I am gently pushed to realize I am blessed to have so many positive memories. even though I will not open a gift from her on christmas eve, to live in the sad is to not honor her life and our friendship. (I know I will forget this over and over as I so desperately miss her, but it is good to remember it in this moment.)

anticipation {sunday scribblings}

looking up anticipation and finding “expectant waiting” led me to think about some phrases...

water when the soul is parched
warmth when the hands are cold
quiet when the head feels heavy
peace when the heart is hurting
support when the feet are tired
ease when the hips are tight
space when the brain is busy
laughter when the shoulders slump
compassion when the soul is aching
nourishment when the body is empty

these phrases have led me to the idea that our bodies are in constant anticipation or hope for a key to solve bits and pieces of their (of our) experiences. an internal map to help us through all that we are handed at any given moment. our internal compass perhaps. an anticipation of understanding that it will all, eventually, make sense.

(for more on anticipation, visit sunday scribblings)

A few (okay 100) things I have done in the last 48 hours

1. Checked my email.
2. Felt warm and snuggly in my house under only one afghan.
3. Watched Survivor.
4. Put on my pajamas (only one layer).
5. Brainstormed a few more crafty Christmas presents.
6. Turned off the light before turning over to go to sleep.
7. Opened my eyes wide when rain started to blow sideways against the bedroom window.
8. Let Millie up on the bed because she was wandering from my side of the bed to Jon’s side in a nervous puppy pace.
9. Got up to turn on the news to see what they were saying about the weather.
10. Said to Jon, “If we hear a tree start to fall, I want us to quickly roll off the bed onto the floor.” (he humored me and said it was a smart idea).
11. Looked out the window to see the wind blow.
12. Got back into bed to snuggle with Jonny and Millie.
13. Watched the numbers on my clock go to blank.
14. Watched the numbers on my clock turn back on.
15. Got out of bed to look out the front window and get a flashlight.
16. Put on a pair of socks and got back into bed.
17. Saw huge sparks fly from a transformer on the power line near our backyard.
18. Watched the numbers on my clock go to blank.
19. Happily let Jonny get out of bed to get two more covers for us and fell asleep again.
20. Woke up with Jon to figure out if he had school.
21. Looked for the corded phone for twenty minutes.
22. Found another flashlight and lit five candles.
23. Got back into bed.
24. Contemplated heating soup in the new fondue pot my boss sent us for Christmas.
25. Realized I had no idea how to call my boss since her phone number was on my computer.
26. Went back to sleep for a couple of hours.
27. Figured out how to call my boss (she was great and just said “enjoy the day”).
28. Listened to Jon call places until he found someplace that was open and had heat.
29. Got out of bed and did a jig when realized the hot water heater was still working (it. is. gas. equals. hot. water. yippeeeee.).
30. Went to Fridays for some food and then the mall (we thought we were going to be sneaky and get Christmas shopping done…along with thousands of other people who watched the numbers on their alarm clocks go blank. it was crazy.).
31. Went home to check on Millie and the power (still off).
32. Realized one of our neighbors lost a huge fir tree (thank goodness it fell to the street and not on their house).
33. Lit candles and put on four layers of clothing (including a new sweatshirt from old navy. merry Christmas to me).
34. Got in bed under five layers of covers.
35. Watched Jon realize that he didn’t have his iPod.
36. Got up and helped Jon look for iPod (could not find it).
37. Blew out candles and put on shoes.
38. Went to Jon’s school to see if he left it there (found out school was still locked because of no power).
39. Went to fred meyer (grocery store) even though they had no power. bought nutter butters, pound cake, bread, cheetos, chocolate doughnuts, water, five candles, dog food for Millie.
40. Sat in the passenger seat as Jon drove toward home through streets with no lights.
41. Decided to eat dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant (they never lost power).
42. Drank three mugs of tea and felt so very warm.
43. Sighed as we realized our neighborhood was still dark.
44. Saw a truck from the power company in our neighborhood.
45. Felt really hopeful.
46. Walked over all the debris on the front walk.
47. Put pajama pants back on.
48. Lit ten candles (thank goodness for zena moon).
49. Got back into bed and thought about how this is kind of like a romantic adventure.
50. Saw the lights from a power company truck shining through the window of our bedroom.
51. Kept watching the clock, hopeful that it was going to turn on any second.
52. Played several rounds of ziggity (a card game by the makers of cranium).
53. Let Millie on the bed (selfishly so she could keep us warm).
54. Read the New Yorker.
55. Listened to NPR.
56. Ate a nutter butter.
57. Blew out all but two candles.
58. Ate another nutter butter.
59. Fell asleep (woke up every now and then to confirm that yes, indeed, the numbers on the alarm clock were still blank).
60. Slept for eleven hours.
61. Woke up to put on more socks (power still off).
62. Walked out to the living room to look at the thermostat (48 degrees).
63. Went back to bed and read more of the New Yorker and then slept for a few more hours (yes, Jonny was sleeping too).
64. Ate some doughnuts and wished for coffee or tea.
65. Thought about calling my grandma to let her know how we were doing (then realized that I, of course, cannot).
66. Fell asleep again.
67. Woke up and called the electric company but was on hold for over thirty-five minutes so finally gave up.
68. Sighed because it was simply too cold to do anything in the house but stay under the covers.
69. Contemplated opening the Christmas gifts from my mom (didn’t).
70. Decided to get up and shower (thank goodness for hot water).
71. Was warm for the first time in fifteen hours.
72. Lamented about the fact that I have no idea how I will finish Christmas presents (contemplated taking the sewing machine to Starbucks and working there).
73. Had several silly arguments with my husband (the bed was really not big enough for us to spend twenty hours in it frozen like popsicles...romatic adventure over).
74. Slept for another thirty minutes (I think but really had no sense of time).
75. Realized, along with my husband, that it was three p.m. and we had only eaten doughnuts all day.
76. Decided to go out and get warm.
77. Apologized to Millie that she couldn’t go.
78. Got dressed (and thought that it would be a good idea to put my clothes in the dryer to warm them up but realized I, of course, could not do that).
79. Heard Jon say that we better get power soon or he was going to run out of underwear (to which I replied, “check the dryer” [phew]).
80. Went with Jonny to get some food.
81. Went to Barnes and Noble and looked through lots of crafty books (and bought one).
82. Drank a huge warm coffee (gingerbread soy latte).
83. Went to Joann fabric (to get some fleece to make more presents).
84. Decided that if the power was still out tomorrow we would go to a hotel.
85. Felt the warmth of the heated seats in the car and thought that it might be a good idea to sleep in the car tonight.
86. Realized that the stoplight by our house was working.
87. Saw lights on in our neighborhood (started getting excited).
88. Saw our outside light on (started doing a jig in the car).
89. Started thanking the electric company aloud.
90. Walked inside to a house that was a balmy 53 degrees.
91. Turned on some lights.
92. Turned on my laptop.
93. Thought about how we had been a bit melodramatic about this experience (and was thankful again that we have power and that the heater is whirring away).
94. Drank some hot tea.
95. Said a prayer with Jonny for the people who still do not have power.
96. Brainstormed a few more crafty Christmas presents.
97. Put on my pajamas (only two layers).
98. Watched Battlestar Galactica (and cried a little).
99. Felt (kind of) warm and snuggly in my house under only one afghan.
100. Checked my email (and wrote this blog post).

my senses can assault {poetry thursday}

my senses can assault.

sometimes I am prepared.

smell
lily of the valley blooms in May
(and in perfume, soap, lotion)
a freshly opened tub of ponds cold cream
yes, this will be you.

hear
a line in a song by Kenny Rogers
(“if I close my eyes, it doesn’t hurt quite so bad”)
your voice as I make applesauce
it has already happened, so I am ready.

touch
two pairs of soft fluffy indigo socks
(one mine, one yours)
a long flannel nightgown
memories of past Christmas mornings.

see
the picture in my studio
(we walk on the beach holding hands)
the turquoise on my right ring finger
I know you will be here.

but taste.

even my tongue can interrupt
the simple cadence of my day.

the cold, tart cranberry juice
hits my taste buds,
a usual event.

but today
it is this flowered glass,
similar in weight, texture, color
to the small faceted juice glasses
you would fill with this sharp red liquid
and put before me at the kitchen table,
mixed with the taste of peanut butter still on my lips
and the aroma of this tangy fruit juice.

the unlikely combination that leads me back
to you.

grief has no manners
no understanding of time and place
no tact
no empathy.
they say it comes in waves,
but I think it sucker punches you
whenever the hell it feels like it.

********

I started this poem a few months ago when I was eating peanut butter on toast and drinking cranberry juice out of a new glass used for the first time. Poetry continues to be a way to push through the grief. I stopped everything and just started putting the experience and emotions down into a poem.

Revisiting a poem and stepping back from it and finding a new phrase or stripping down an idea to the image you want to convey, I am enjoying this more than I ever imagined. I love poetry.

Read more poetry on this Thursday by visiting Poetry Thursday.

a shower

One of my favorite places to be is the shower. I close the shower curtain behind me and close out the world. It sometimes feels like the only place where I am myself and alone. No email, no phone calls, no pulling from the rest of the world.

When I am in the shower, I brainstorm and think and think and think and sing and meditate and chant and let the hot water beat against my back and stretch and sometimes sob and remember and try to forget and think some more. I also, sometimes, allow myself to let go and simply breathe…to simply be present in the moment with the water streaming over all of me.

This afternoon, I found myself thinking about my yoga class tonight; thinking about the intention I want to bring to the class. My thoughts turned to chanting and I suddenly started chanting to Ganesh. A mantra chant to the elephant god who is the destroyer of obstacles and represented by Om. The sounds swirled around me as I chanted a bit louder with each repetition. My thoughts shifted a bit and it was as though I was chanting this for all the people I know. Then as I continued, louder, sound vibrating off the walls of the shower, it was as though I was chanting for the world. As I lifted my arms above my head, this chant that creates space in my body and helps me tap into hope and determination became a chant to create these things for the world.

The coolness of the water moved we away from my focused singing, and I slowly quieted my voice. I picked up the soap and turned it around and around, between my pruned fingers, until the suds were thick. I soaped up my body with the intention of cleansing anything that came up during my chant. Then I let the water rinse it all away.

An unusual shower experience, but one that brought me out of my head and into a new, peaceful space.

continuing to seek the sexy {self-portrait challenge}

I look in the mirror with my brightened "redish" hair color and new bangs and wonder who the woman is in the reflection. I look different with bangs. I feel...of all things...sexier.

Sexier.

This was a bit unexpected. Especially because sitting in the salon wearing that cape that cuts me off at the neck (not to mention my hair in tin foil and then wet and stuck to my head), invites me to feel anything but sexy. In fact, I fight with myself internally as I sit there. Fighting the negative self talk that bubbles up. This afternoon, as I looked in the mirror, seeing my face, remembering all that I learned during the mirror meditation, I found myself smiling back at me.

And I thought, "I look cute and just a bit sexy..."

At the end of last month, I mentioned that I want to write and talk more about marriage/romantic relationships here on my blog. And bringing in the sexy...well, that is something most people in long-term relationships need to do more and more. Sometimes as the level of comfort increases, the need to bring in the sexy falls to the side as we stop "courting" one another. Yet, there is always this true need to feel desired and desire another. Why do we stop? Why do we forget? What are we afraid of? All questions to be examined on another day...

For now, I am just going to keep on the sexy red slip. Even if it is layered over jeans and under a sweater (it is December after all). Never know what might happen when someone comes home to see this sexy woman who is me working away on the couch in such an outfit...

(see other interpretations of the theme "red" at self-portrait challenge)

hooray for you (a little challenge)

I am heading to Los Angeles later today for a quick long weekend trip. Inspired by Ellen’s show yesterday, I want to challenge you to something while I am gone:

To say something positive.

About yourself.

Today.

Right now.

Think about it for a moment.

Let it be a strong statement full of beauty and truth.

I challenge you to even leave it here in the comments so you can declare it in writing (if you want to leave it anonymously, that’s okay, go ahead and do that).

I challenge you to say it out loud. To you. Declare it to yourself. And after you say it, I want you to imagine a huge auditorium full of people applauding. Imagine all of us out here in blog world giving you a standing ovation for your bravery and truth.

(I know, I know it sounds silly, but I ask you to do this. For you. Right. Now. We spend so much time letting the negative self talk take over. Just for today, seek the positive.)

a meme {poetry thursday}

I was surprised by the places this meme took me and am so glad that it was this week’s (completely and totally optional) idea at Poetry Thursday. Because of this meme I realized that I have loved poetry for much longer than I realized...


The first poem I remember reading/hearing/reacting to was "Fog" by Carl Sandburg. In fourth grade, my grandparents took me to Sandburg’s home and bought me a copy of this poem. I read it over and over again in grade school. I love the image of fog coming in as cat’s feet. Such a simple yet incredible gorgeous image. He is still one of my favorite poets.

I was forced to memorize "Theme in English B" by Langston Hughes in school and was so nervous reciting it in front of my sophomore English class that my knees were shaking (and I was sitting). I actually wasn’t forced to memorize it, I chose to. We had to memorize one poem from our literature textbook…any poem…I chose my favorite even though it was the longest. I hadn’t thought about this poem in a long, long time and reading it today, I could hear the cadence of my own voice in my head. I adore this poem and I am so moved to have found it again today.

I read poetry because it reminds me that I am not alone.

A poem I’m likely to think about when asked about a favorite poem is "House of Belonging" by David Whyte and "Love After Love" by Derek Walcott and "You Reading This, Be Ready" by William Stafford.

I write poetry because I am in love with taking an image or experience or feeling and peeling back the layers until the core of it remains.

My experience with reading poetry differs from my experience with reading other types of literature in that what takes me an entire book to discover/learn/see I can find in a just a few lines in a poem.

I find poetry revealing, gorgeous, wide, full of truth, hushed, daunting, candid, laugh-out-loud funny, noisy, tear-inviting, breath-catching, blissful…I find poetry is life.

The last time I heard poetry was when I read Langston Hughes aloud today. The last time I heard someone else read poetry was last Friday evening when I heard David Whyte read poems from his new book. I will forever hear his voice when I turn to those poems. He had this incredible way of repeating certain phrases so that you could synthesize the poem as he read it. He would then read the entire poem again. I found myself nodding throughout the reading and began to notice others doing the same. The way he read, this repetition of phrases, and the rhythm of his voice made it clear that he wanted to inject all the meaning possible into us.

I think poetry is like a gift to the human experience.

(To read "Theme in English B," click here. I hope you do…it is a poem you should know.)

Happy Poetry Thursday everyone! I can’t wait to read your responses to this meme. Even if you don’t usually participate in PT, think about answering these questions. You might be surprised where poetry has made and makes an appearance in your life.

making sense of it.

Little snippets swirl in my brain as I again try to make sense of it.

A friend has the truly traumatic experience of watching her dog, her dear friend, die in the middle of the night. A seizure that lasts forty-five minutes takes the little beagle. Having lost her father almost five years ago, she knows this grief. She knows how it will bring it all back again.

A friend calls to tell me her uncle died suddenly in a car accident Monday night. I can hear her say, “it just doesn’t seem real at all.” We find our way to laughter in our conversation to give her mind and heart some space from the bewildering pain.

I catch the news this evening as I am getting ready to go and teach yoga. James Kim was found dead today in Oregon. This family has become known to everyone here in the Pacific Northwest in the last few days. An amazing blessing that Kati Kim and her daughters were found Monday. A blessing James has been found, but such a deep sadness for those who knew him and those who searched and searched hoping to bring him home safe to his family.

David Whyte read “The Hazel Wood” at the reading last Friday (a new poem you can find in his new book). Before he read it, he described the scene to us…how he was walking across the Irish countryside to meet up with a group of people and found himself suddenly in a horrific storm fearing his own safety. In the poem he describes how sometimes life is like a warm room full of people and life and security and other moments are like a raging storm where death makes a choice. A snippet from his poem,

its more like some edge we’re on, everything
sustained by an invisible thread
that’s just about to break, the storm a possible
death about to choose or not choose
one life among all other lives it sees below

I try to make sense of it. Of It. Of grief. (Of death.) I am, of course, always trying to make sense of my own grief, and I know that it is okay that it doesn’t makes any sense at all. And really, I know that I cannot make sense of it all, right now in this moment. But I will keep trying. I will keep turning the thoughts in my mind and then pause to breathe. I will keep finding moments of stillness to be open to the understanding that I will never really know. I will keep searching for a place where I can feel the space to know that what I believe is enough.

thoughts while wearing my favorite grey sweatshirt

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
The Dalai Lama

It has to start within.
With you.
You have to look inside
and find compassion
for the self.
(For your self.)
Stop being afraid
to forgive.
You.
Today.
Yesterday.
All of it.
Let go of the fear.
(What would happen if you did?)
Find your breath.
Now.
Breathe.
Open up
(your heart)
to kindness for yourself
Only then can you be open
to compassion
for others.

good morning (okay, afternoon) monday {december 4}

just a note to say why i do these Monday posts. i like the idea of checking in with myself in this way, as though i am somewhat holding myself accountable for what i do with all my time. i spend so much of my time alone and i sometimes wonder where all that time goes. during the weeks when i was ill and resting last month, i found myself realizing that i can just stop and take a nap, that the world continues if i am not working during every free minute of my day, and that taking notice of the people, books, poems, animals, movies, foods, hobbies, moments and so on that surround me fills me up in the best of ways. i want to be able to look back and see what inspired me, made me happy, caused me to push myself, frustrated me…and i like that through the blogging medium i can do this in a way that also connects with others (who might be singing the same songs or who might want to investigate a new poet or who might have suggestions for me to expand who i am or who might want to join me for a latte).


thinking

about the evening jon and i spent with david whyte. we attended a poetry reading/talk he gave in seattle friday. i keep hearing the cadence of his voice in my head. and i continue to hear it whenever i turn to one of his poems. he one of the first poets who made poetry accessible to me, but i had only read his poems here and there on other blogs. a few months ago, i bought my first book of his poetry and i can't stop reading his words. (and after friday's vendor table i now have three more books and four cds. yep, i just can't stop.)

about the odd experience we had watching the new james bond movie. it was quite good (if you like movies like that, which i do). was really the best bond movie i have seen. daniel craig (and the script) made bond human...and you believe that he could save you from anything. a combination that makes the movie interesting (to men and women). but during this horrific torture scene, the audience starting laughing. to put it into context, bond is using sarcasm to indicate that he isn’t going to “break” or tell the torturer any information. but, the scene isn’t funny. at all. it was a disturbing moment of human beings not knowing what to do with the feelings that were coming up in the uncomfortable-ness of it all and the effect other people have on one another. i can't imagine any of thoes people would have busted up laughing if they were alone in the theatre. (have you seen it? did the audience at your theatre do this?)

about dr. oz on oprah. i am trying to eat a better breakfast (not just cereal that i thought was a “smart start” but really has sugar as the fourth ingredient) filled with protein and fiber. (okay, today i had eggs and turkey bacon and wheat toast…but i wasn’t sleepy and i am not hungry yet.) i asked for his books for christmas. if only i would have had this one a month ago.

about the kim family, a family from the bay area who have been missing for over a week now. kati kim is known by people in the crafty/artsy blogging community; she runs two boutiques in SF. our local news keep running stories about them. for more information go here. [update at 3:30 pm: according to our local news, Kati and children have been found alive. the search continues for her husband james.]

about crystals used for healing and meditation. jon and i went to the east west bookshop last weekend and i bought a few with specific intentions and i would like to incorporate them into my daily practice/life, but i am not quite sure how to do that. i bought the crystal bible and it does have some wonderful information, but i am still not quite sure how i should literally “use” them. i welcome any suggestions/books/websites and so on. thanks.

enjoying

the artwork and words at inside a black apple. i love the prints she has for sale in her etsy shop (great Christmas gifts).

this (somewhat random) site i found when searching for a recipe for kale. if you sometimes find yourself with produce that you aren’t sure what to do with because you bought too much or you get an organic delivery like us or you want to try something new, check it out as it has some delightful recipes listed (and they are listed by fruit/veggie).

singing

a playlist that includes: deb talan, paul simon, the indigo girls, feist, kenny rogers, loreena mckennitt, conway twitty & loretta lynn, cowboy junkies, tina turner…

reading

poems from David Whyte’s book, “Songs for Coming Home.” my eyes fill with tears again and again. (i have to remind myself to breathe…but i am reminded again that i am not alone.)

creating

some christmas presents. i love fabric.

cooking/eating

peanut butter on graham crackers.

sushi. we have had sushi almost twice a week for the last three weeks. i keep thinking of the good salmon eating up all ill cells in my body.

anticipating

next weekend. i am going to LA for the first time to visit my friend dear friend heather. it is a spur of the moment trip and i will only be there for about two and a half days. but the price was right and we simply need to see each other. and those two things are a good combination.

studio 60 on the sunset strip tonight. that show just makes me happy.

drinking my first gingerbread latte later today when i stop at starbucks after some grocery shopping.

loving

that i have given myself permission to take 20 minute naps when i get tired.

filling the house up with candlelight. on a pacific-northwest day like this one, you can wake up and light them because it looks like it is already 4 p.m. outside. to light the candle with intention and then to say a blessing as you blow it out…this is part of my daily ritual. (my favorite candles are carla’s over at zena moon. we will be placing our holiday order soon!)

time spent together curled up on the couch reading, listening to music, watching a movie. my heart is at home in these moments.