five (really) good things. right now.

1) The house is still clean! Which means the floor is clean. Which means I have space to dance. And this morning I did.*

2) A clean house means a clean kitchen. A clean kitchen means I want to cook. And, so I am. Using the veggies from our (new) organic delivery to make vegetable soup this evening.**

3) Currently on the counter of my clean kitchen, next to the veggies, are freshly delivered preserves. An anniversary gift from my dad that arrived today. Have I mentioned how much I adore peanut butter (or almond butter) and jelly sandwiches? Well, I really love them. I have been known to bring them to potlucks, and people smile when they see them and then talk about the good things of childhood.***

4) Along with the preserves came my delivery from Zappos. Am I the last person to explore the wonder that is zappos.com? Order them yesterday, arrive here today. Try them on and send back (for free) the pairs that don't fit. I bought another pair of these because they are like slippers. But, the other two didn't work, so I will be looking again.****

5) I am getting close to being done with my Christmas shopping. Deliveries are coming everyday lately. So fun to do most of it on etsy and other fantastic online shops...buying handmade is a lot easier than it might seem.*****

What are your five good things? Can you name five right now? Go ahead...I want to hear all about them.

*While listening to Marc Broussard sing "Home."
**Inspired by daisies, I am making it for Jon in the hopes that whatever illness latched on to him last night will decide to ease on down the road.
***Want to come over for a pb&j right now? We can have tea...
****I am looking for two kinds of shoes: a) a sneaker meets a comfortable walking shoe meets something really cute that can be worn with those low running socks. might try another style of keens as my mary janes can't quite pull that off. b) a sandal or sandal-like (and don't wear socks with) shoe that can be worn for walking long distances that is comfortable and doesn't rub (like tevas can) or need to be broken-in. oh. and i want them to be cute too. Any ideas/suggestions?
*****Current favorites I've found while looking for gifts:
these sachets
this print
these earrings (created by this blogger)
this ring
this stationery
this squid (created by this blogger)
these ipod cozies (i love mine!)
this scarf

the lightness and the darkness (self-portrait challenge}

my soul sometimes does not know where to land...in the dark or in the light. the darkness can feed the melancholy and uncertainty and pain. the lightness can feed the same at times. do you notice this? how the lightness can feel heavy when the clouds hide the blue. but there is beauty in both. the light in the darkness can force an unexpected shift in perspective. a cloud can invite relief from the glare. there is hope in the light and the dark.

today, i wear the lightness.

as the rain drips steadily this time of year, i seek the lightness. when the sun sneaks out behind that steady drum of wetness, i seek the warmth. i look out the windows until i find a little spot of sunlight; then i put on shoes and zero in on it. even if it means standing in the street.

i want to wear the unwavering lightness of the sun.

today, i wear the darkness.

as the darkness envelopes our little home, i feel cocooned in evening. the ritual of closing the blinds and lighting candles and straightening a bid. a ritual almost forgotten but remembered today as evening knocked at the door.

i want to wear the darkness of twilight and dancing candlelit shadows.

(see what others are wearing at self-portrait challenge)

eight things (plus one) i have thought about in the last hour or so.

it rains here. sometimes it rains here a lot. (like right now as the rain is pounding the roof.)

i might have had my least stressful holiday ever this thanksgiving. (good food, great company, napping, laughter, no yelling or pouting or disappointment or...how the list goes on.)

if i spend most of a day putting together a jigsaw puzzle, i will try to finish it in my sleep. (but i won't be successful as the puzzle in my dreams looks nothing like the puzzle on my living room table.)

i do like walking in circles. (even though i took a break for a little while, i didn't forget how. well, this helps.)

i wish my friend heather lived here. i miss her terribly. (millie misses her too.) i want her to move in across the street. (or at least win the lottery so she can visit more often...or have a second house here...or something. at least we know we are going to move to the same city when we retire. we haven't lived in the same city ever really. except boarding school but we weren't really friends then so it doesn't count.)

i want to stop the need to explain or fill up empty space with explanation. (i found myself doing this in a phone conversation today. it was odd. and it left me feeling kind of odd.)

when the house is clean, i feel lighter. (and am more likely to decorate for christmas.)

i am really good at planning trips to WDW. (when you are planning your next one, we should talk. seriously. i am really really good at it.)

i am really hungry and just can't stand the thought of having more leftovers for dinner or anything containing turkey or potatoes. (pizza and beer anyone?)

plus one (because i thought about this after choosing a picture for this post):

i love it when i can smell oranges on my fingers. like i can right now. because i had an orange a bit ago. (still hungry though.)

growth.

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.

Anais Nin

i wear handmade {self-portrait challenge}

late afternoon with millie, 20 november 2007

estella necklace by jen, birdhouse pendant by stephanie, mitts by jmaccknit, my little black dress (in grey) by treehouse 28

hat by jmaccknit and earrings by sulu

i am enjoying bringing more and more handmade items into my wardrobe. shopping more on etsy and at art+craft fairs and less in the big box stores.

it feels more like me to wear these pieces...

i took the handmade pledge a week weeks back, which means i am giving only handmade gifts for the holidays this year and asking for handmade gifts.

so lots of time spent on etsy...i mean a lot of time spent on etsy.

some new favorites (these are all in the "made by yarn" category):

these mitts
this capelet
and this capelet
this hat
this blooming brooch
this apple jacket


one idea i want to pass on to you is to check out the favorites of other etsy folks. you can find their lists right in the sidebar of their shops or in their profiles. even if you don't have an etsy shop, you can create a profile and start adding items and shops to your favorites, and then you can share the link to your favorites with your loved ones so that they know what you might want this holiday season...go on...buy (and ask for) some handmade gifts...

posing, 20 november 2007

i took so many photos today, that by the time i posed for this one i was cracking up at the oddity of taking self-portraits...thought it might resonate with some of you...

oh and see what others are wearing here

a selma quilt (for your neck)

Selma and me, 1977

I remember sitting on the guest bed, my fingers tracing stitching, patches of fabric, and yarn ties, my eyes searching the quilt my great-grandmother made for my brother when he was born. There it is. I found the fabric, my favorite pattern, the "I can't believe Great-Grandma even knows what this is" fabric. I would look at each log cabin square, trying to imagine what a large piece of these slivers of fabric would look like. The one I always searched for? Smurfs. Yes, smurfs. A quilt for a boy in the eighties would have of course contained such fabric.

This memory came to me as I sewed this scarf a few weeks ago. I have sewn a few more lately...

the stepping outside into the first snowfall scarf

And, as I sew these patchwork scarves, I think about you...I think about you sitting on the train after work, waiting in the car for your children after school, sitting under a maple tree writing in your journal, reading blogs while everyone else is asleep, standing in line at the grocery store, sipping tea in your studio, resting by a creek, knitting in your favorite leather chair...I think about you tracing your finger over each stitch and each patch of fabric...I think of you searching. There it is.

the autumn is my spring scarf

(I have put a few of these Selma scarves in the shop.)

five {my sacred life}

on friday, we celebrated five years of marriage. it feels like a very big deal, in a very good way. as i wrote out the card i gave jon, i was thinking about how much fun we had during our wedding ceremony. yes, i said fun. about two minutes after i got to the front of the church, we looked at each other with this understanding that we were getting to the good part. i recall standing there and just soaking it all up. i wanted to remember everything. and somehow i was able to observe it all happening while being very present.

the planning of our wedding was a bit (okay more than a bit) stressful. for lots of reasons. and to get to this part, the beginning of us, was such a reward for all that stress.

so we had fun. so much fun. and we felt the love of family and friends and community. and all the special moments, the little touches that were so important to me, made a difference in making it what it was meant to be. i loved that day.

today, we are at the good part. the hard, crazy, painful, beautiful, amazing good part. the part that stretches you more than ever dreamed you could stretch. the part that forces you to look inward when you would rather look out. the part that reminds you of all that is good about love and truth. the part that has you wondering and believing. the good part. the part where you remember why you said yes to possibility and yes to hope and yes to one another. the part where you reach out your hand and know someone will be there to hold you.

(visit other sacred sundays here)

*******

and i want to say today: thank you...all of you...for your comments and emails. your kindness fills my heart up with all that is good. bless you.

tonight...

tonight, i spent hours looking through etsy shops for christmas presents. there are so many wonderful things to be found. and, suddenly i found a shop with these delightful polymer clay pendants and pins and such...and there it was. the perfect christmas gift for you. a hummingbird. i almost clicked to add it to my shopping cart. but, then i remembered. you are gone. and the sucker-punching wave of grief crashed onto me. this is how it works. i forget for just a second. because most of the time i really really remember. but sometimes, i will forget for just this one little moment and it will seem like you are here and that i might just call you tomorrow to tell you all about my day and hear about the birds at your feeder and how grandpa drives you just a bit crazy and how you are looking forward to seeing my mom for thanksgiving and how you plan to send me money to buy the ornaments this year because you are too tired to go out of the house. and you will laugh when i tell you that i actually cooked dinner tonight because you always ask me what i plan to make my husband and i usually sputter some answer about how he cooks or that we plan to get sushi again. but this time i will be able to say that i actually made stew and we sat at the table and drank wine and talked. and then we can talk about how i am planning on buying only handmade christmas gifts this year and that i found the perfect one for you, but you will have to wait until next month to see what it is. and then you will say that it has been so long since you have seen me at christmas and that you are wondering if jon and i might think about coming to see you and gramps. and then i will say that would be really wonderful and we can have a quiet christmas just the four of us. and it will be just like when we went to myrtle beach and it was like two couples on vacation together. and i remember sitting on the balcony next to you while you did the crossword and i was looking out at the ocean thinking about how lucky i am because how many girls are there in the world who have been married for a few months and take their new husband on a vacation with their grandparents who have been married for 57 years and yet have the best time together. and i remember turning and looking at you and smiling. and now, as i sit here in this quiet house with candles burning and rain pushing against the roof, i can see you in my mind and because i am listening so closely to the voice that lives in my heart i hear your laughter and your words and i know. i know. i know...but i guess i also just need you to know how much i miss you and i miss the idea of you and all that could have been and all that was. so i am going to sit here for a little while and just pretend that you are still here and that i am going to call in the morning as i put the tea kettle on and then, as i begin to spread peanut butter on my toast, i will hear you say that you are hoping we might come for christmas this year. and i will be surprised because you seldom ask for anything but i will say yes, i think that is a wonderful idea, and when i hang up the phone i will smile widely because i know i will see you in a few short weeks…i am just going to sit here for a few minutes and pretend.

reframing and some (really) good things

i have noticed that several folks out there have started posting their "five really good things" every week. (in fact, i decided to google it and found that there are a handful of bloggers i don't even know who probably don't know me who are sharing theirs). and, it seems that miss geek girl is posting them on wednesdays as she blogs every single day of this month (you bloggers doing that are inspiring me each day this month). how i love reading everyone's lists. and it is so fun how one little post can start an idea. and how people suddenly are posting and have no idea where it all began yet they are spending time in the goodness of their lives. it is beautiful. in fact, it is a really good thing.

lately, i have been spending time thinking about the idea of reframing. how we can be faced with something not so great for whatever reason and that the moment all depends on how we choose to look at it and react. we make these choices daily.

i believe that how we react to the world around us and the people in this world and the "stuff" that happens "to" us is one of the few things we can control. it is pretty powerful to realize that you can change how you walk in this life and to realize that really you are the only one who can. i know i am preaching to the choir here, but i also believe that this is something we so often forget. we are quick to blame others or we do not want to think something can change or we blame ourselves and spend time in place instead of in action and on and on.

last week, when i wrote my second "five really good things" post, i had had a really super crappy day. a day that was filled with some unexpected (yet expected) stuff that unexpectedly brought up some shit from my childhood. some shit that involved shame and guilt and feeling forgotten. you know, the good stuff that can really turn a day upside down*.

and, i wanted to write something on my blog that night, though i couldn't think of anything i wanted to share, so i decided to write a "good things" list...and then i reread my list after i posted it and found myself taking a deep breath and letting it out with a loud, audible sigh. then, i went to bed.

and when i woke up, things had shifted. just a bit. i had reframed the day. just a bit.

on thursday, the stuff came up again after a phone call. i called a friend and ugly cried over the phone. that really ugly snot crying. and then i calmed down for about two hours and then i took a shower and did it all over again. while in the shower though, i started thinking about how i could reframe this. a friend had emailed me on tuesday that since this was something i was going to be dealing with for a bit, i needed to figure out a way to not let it become this big each time.

so as i stood in the shower with my forehead against the wall, i started thinking about the little girl and what she would have needed in the moments that were coming up for me. i thought about writing her a letter, but then i realized that i didn't know how to tell her that it would be okay. it felt empty to try to do this. but as i thought about how she might look at me if i were to walk back into time, she might wonder who was going to help her, and i thought i couldn't. but i realize that i am. the choices i am making now, from the ones related to this experience to the ones i am making each day, i am helping that little girl because, of course, that little girl is indeed me.

this realization did bring a down on the knees crying in the shower moment, but it also brought the beginning of a shift. a reframing. i am rescuing myself.

and in realizing this, things shifted just a bit more.

no matter how big or small these needs are, it is, well, it is huge to realize that you are reframing things to honor you are helping yourself. you are healing yourself. you are LIVING in your life. huge.

so, i do think that taking time to think about the really good things is one necessary way, for me, to recognize the goodness - whether i need to reframe things or not on any given day, in any given moment.

five really good things. november 14.

1) millie and her new bed. stuffies are her favorite toys, and when we found this bed at ikea, we knew she had to have it as it is like one big stuffie. she is a nester. and when she sighs right before she goes to sleep, as she did several times today, well, my heart expands just a bit.

2) wearing hand/arm/wrist warmers. i tend to get cold, and they are the perfect thing to wear while editing, blogging, sewing, writing, taking pictures outside...well, they are perfect for all that i do i guess.

3) stopping everything for a moment this evening to listen to the rain drop onto the roof.

4) drinking an apple izze.

5) having my own "it's after 11 and the house is quiet" dance/lip syncing party to marc broussard's song "home" with my ipod tucked into my pocket.

what are your five really good things? put words to them. i dare you. do it. right now.

*and the truth is, i wouldn't be me without a disclaimer. i know it sounds like i might be talking about some deep dark secrets in this post. but the truth is, what happened last week wasn't about secrets. shame can come from a lot of experiences...and although this one might not seem big to some, it was really, really big to me. and i guess i never looked at it. funny how life hands you the chance to do just that twenty years later. and i feel really blessed that i sobbed my way through it and found my breath again and feel stronger than i have in a year.

current uniform, week two {self-portrait challenge}

when the day demands a change from flannel, you can usually find me in jeans, a sweater coat, a t-shirt, and some comfortable slip-on shoes.

i think that the sweater coat invites a sense of coziness and safety and warmth. all good things when the air is chilly and the day is winnie-the-pooh blustery.

(i can't believe that i once wore pantyhose and suits and heels to work every day. today, i am so lucky.)

see more self-portraits here

inspirations, november 13

reading into the archives of a blogger (or two or three) to discover and uncover more

sewing rows and rows of fabric together

the words and images of this incredible woman

jen and swirly shakin' their groove things

finding calm in the midst of the opposite

long phone conversations that invite an opening of the mind, heart, and soul

when millie sighs as she snuggles into her new bed

songs overheard this morning

flower burst at metropolitan market, 12 november 2007

the "if you find yourself needing to breathe in goodness and exhale calm while a dentist drills in your mouth for 2.5 hours" playlist*:


"the lucky one" by allison krauss and union station
"dandelion" by antje duvekot
"like a star" by corrine bailey rae
"fly away" by the indigo girls
"traverse city" by daytime volume
"a bird flies out" by deb talan
"most of me" by mandy moore
"easy silence" by the dixie chicks
"everything" by michale buble
"we walk the same line" by everything but the girl
"songbird" by fleetwood mac
"johannesburg" by the housemartins
"these photographs" by joshua radin
"just remember i love you" by firefall
"extraordinary" by mandy moore
"closer to fine" by the indigo girls
"once upon a time there was an ocean" by paul simon
"walking in memphis" by marc cohen
"tenderness" by deb talan
"main title" from the american president
"landslide" by fleetwood mac
"let it be me" by rosie thomas
"anything at all" by sarah olsen
"brave" by stephanie dosen
"wartime prayers" by paul simon
"twilight" by mary chapin carpenter
"virginia woolf" by the indigo girls**
"i hope" by the dixie chicks
"everything'll be alright (will's lullabye)" by joshua radin
"simple life" by the weepies
"white sandy beach of hawaii" by iz

*i suggest playing it on shuffle so you can always be surprised as to the next song
**it had been a few months since i had heard this most favorite of songs. and tonight, i listen to it again and slip it on like a comfortable old sweater...

the goodness {my sacred sunday}

there is a chair under there (and a few of these to the left, do you see them?), 11 november 2007

the goodness. i feel like i am sitting inside it. even when i hit some bumps (or hills or mountains) in my path, somewhere inside me, i am still aware of the goodness.

to be aware of the goodness through tears, that is something...a clue that things are shifting.

another pile, some soon to be a few of these, 11 november 2007

today, i sang and sewed for hours and hours. and i felt this goodness growing within.

i was thinking about a conversation i had last night that lasted until the first few minutes of today. i am enjoying the beginnings of a deep friendship, a soul-full friendship, with a beautiful kindred spirit. and, i was thinking about how conversations where you can just spill it, your truth, and share yourself without any worry of judgement are true blessings. these are moments to be tucked in the pocket of your heart. moments you can turn to when you are faced with one of those bumps in the road so that you remember who you are in the midst of something that might be inviting you to forget.

and then i was singing these words*:

I won’t hold anything back
And I won’t hold anything in...

...I’m still
Willing to begin

and then i was thinking about this, about truths and laughter and ideas shared, about letting go of assumptions and past disappointments and embracing a new path, and i found myself taking a deep breath, a contented sigh even...and i wanted to capture that feeling...that blissful feeling of beginning and action and love and truth that is growing inside me...so i took a picture so you could see how it looks on me...

(visit more sacred sundays here)
*words from mandy moore's song "most of me"

perhaps...

proctor market sunflower, 15 september 2007

Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come.

Chinese Proverb

five (really) good things

dahlia at the market, 3 november 2007

a few weeks ago, i invited myself to think of five really good things. and tonight, after a pretty challenging afternoon that included the shedding of some tears (and a morning and evening that included cleaning up after an ill dog on more than one occasion), i extend the invitation to myself again:

name five really good things. right now.

1. tonight's dinner involved conveyor-belt sushi. enough said.

2. exchanging emails with new and old friends fills up my heart. (thank you.)

3. wearing my mary jane slipper socks not only keeps my toes warm, but makes me feel happy, especially when i look down at my feet.

4. today, my teeth are the cleanest they have been in a long, long time.

5. we are totally planning a trip to disney world. yep. i. can't. wait.

and now, i extend the invitation to you:

what are your five really good things? put words to your five things. right now. i dare you.

current uniform week one {self-portrait challenge}

flannel pjs and quilted patchwork scarf, 5 november 2007

the maple in our backyard has almost shed her clothing, anticipating her time of rest and renewel. the as old-as-the-house heater stirs a bit more often lately. soup, more mugs of tea, spiced cider, and roasted root vegetables become cravings.

autumn has settled in for a stay. and today, it seems that winter has begun to write letting us know of her imminent arrival.

i tuck myself in for the day in flannel pajamas, a scarf, and some other necessities.

(see what other foks are wearing here)

one word.

the best thing about falling backwards when you didn't realize you were supposed to on a night when you hardly slept?
when the alarm went off with these words from the woman on npr, "today standard time begins. what are you going to do with your extra hour?"

one word. sleep.

a post where i ramble a bit

breakfast for dinner, dinner for one. 3 november 2007.

it seems a bit serendipitous to be somewhat unexpectedly spending this evening alone.

i made myself breakfast for dinner and ate it on our wedding china and drank apple juice from one of our wedding goblets. making this dinner and "plating it" felt like a sacred moment of alone time. (a sacred sunday moment on a saturday.)

then, i settled in for a dvr'd episode of this guilty, campy pleasure (i did say campy, but could have just as easily said eye candy-filled).

it is that darn song at the beginning of this show though that sticks with me always, for hours. it is a fun song really that plays on repeat in my head. but tonight, i listened to the lyrics a bit differently as i realized that elvis is singing a version of my mantra of late:

a little less conversation, a little more action.

yes, yes, yes to this. i spend a lot of time in my head. and, i spend a lot of time thinking about the word "begin." i have spent a lot of time talking about the importance of beginning, but i have realized that my beginning seems a lot like thinking and talking and not a lot like action.

last year, i thought i was beginning something. but instead, i ended up spending a lot of time thinking instead of doing. and, i was sick for a bit, and life well, let's just say that last november life turned upside down for a bit.

and i have spent most of the last twelve months, not every moment, but a lot of moments in my head, twirling in circles a bit for various reasons because of several different things that have happened in the last year.

at some point in 2006, i had this realization that the grief i was experiencing over my grandmother's death had become a new beginning of sorts. a rebirth of the little unafraid, creative, fearless girl inside me. i began to think of myself a bit like a phoenix. and i often turned to deb talan's lyrics, as i have mentioned in this space many times, because it was as though that was my song. but, i always paused at the rest of the line that often quote:

Dry your wings in the sun
You have only begun to understand
When it's time to move on there is no one
To hold your hand.

i guess i have always felt a bit annoyed that she is saying that there is no one there. because, i always thought there was supposed to be someone there.

tonight, after i watched a little tv, i spent time creating a new design i have been thinking about for a while. i pieced bits of fabric together for a long time, listening to my ipod on shuffle. i paused a bit when cass fox started singing "army of one." something about the repetition of "you gotta feel it, you gotta want it, you gotta own it" along with this image of being an army of one...something about it made me stop. and think.

the idea that we must realize we are our own army of one. the idea that after you have been "reborn" as the phoenix is, just after, when your wings are drying and you are remembering to breathe, this is a time for sacred alone-ness.

i have been missing this point a bit. or at least i spent time this past year forgetting what i already know to be true.

long ago, i recognized that i am one of those people who feels lonely at times. and, i have learned that this is a lot more common than i once thought. still, i have sometimes mistaken the letting go of things, whatever those things might be, as loneliness. but, now i realize that maybe i have instead been given opportunities to spend time in this sacred alone-ness.

and, of course, part of the beauty of all of this occurs when you suddenly realize, after you pull yourself out of it (whatever it is for you), that you are not alone. not even a little bit.

this is where i am. i am inviting myself to stop the thinking and swirling of unhealthy repetition. i am inviting myself to realize that the stopping itself is action. i am inviting myself to realize that the more i worry or assume, the less i am moving forward. i am inviting myself to realize that it is okay to spend time in the thought, as this is who i am, but that moving forward is indeed the plan. i am inviting myself to realize that i am not alone. i am inviting myself to realize the power in being alone. i am inviting myself to let go and begin.

a little less conversation, a little more action.
(thanks elvis.)

today

unexpected time together, so we went exploring:

here,
here, (where i adopted this little girl created by this awesome artist)
and here followed by here (where i was able to to this again)

what more could a girl want really?

(this is truth)

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

Dinah Craik

(thank you)