we aren't like them are we?

Tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy:

Two female characters are talking about their mothers. One says to the other, "We aren't like them are we?" My friend Super H and I talk about this a lot. We look up to our mothers in many ways, yet we don't want to be just like them. As we talk, we often realize that we are like them in many ways. As women, we become our mothers. At least we are told we will. And this terrifies (some of) us. Why?

I know my mother has been deeply hurt when I am not quick to agree with her about some things, when I do not think her advice is right for me, when I disagree with how she is handling a situation. Yet, more than anything else, she taught me to be my own person. I am almost always surprised when my "being my own person" offends her because it always seemed to be an important lesson she was teaching me. And it is so funny that in my quest to be different than her in many ways, I find myself sounding like her, reacting like her sometimes.

I am a part of her.

Over the weekend I attended a workshop about yoga, qi gong, and chi net tsang (more on this throughout the week). We talked about how we began with the attachment to our mothers, literally, through the umbilical chord. Suddenly, it truly hit me that this attachment is so real for my mother because she remembers it. I do not have memories of this; though I believe my body does have memories, my mind has trouble pulling them forward.

Literally attached.

Another scene in the show that resonated. One of the characters finally allowed herself to cry. She couldn't stop. This is a fear of mine. That if I let myself cry that I won't be able to stop. I don't mean my crying at hallmark commercial moments or even my I am overwhelmed by the day moments. I mean the dark moments when I feel like I just might be alone afterall. The moments when I might stop letting my head get in the way of my feelings. When the truth of it all might be too much. But the lesson I do seem to get over and over is that I am not alone. I have to give myself permission to realize this.