begin

a stream-of-consciousness blog post.
also known as a morning-pages-like blog post.
also known as a dumping-the-brain-before-going-to-bed blog post.
also known as a welcome-to-the-world-of-me blog post.

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sleepy. so excited about my little room. trying to figure out what to do with the last bits of things. can’t wait until i can get my work done and play in here. just have a bit more to do. i want to put up my initials on the wall. figure out what to call my bulletin board inspiration thing. need to get a chair. i want a brown leather chair but i don’t know where to go to get one. hopefully this weekend we can look for one. i am sleepy. i can’t believe it is almost midnight. i should be in bed. why have i been staying up so late. my brain isn’t ready for bed lately. though i haven’t been all that tired during the day so that is good. feeling good. well. it is a good thing. i am so tired i don’t even know what i want to write about. i think morning pages that are really midnight pages might be better written out. i can’t help but use the delete key just a little bit (not counting when i make a mistake). kelly gave me the idea to just start using the morning pages as brainstorming. and this is how i fell in love with them again. i just started writing down words that make me happy. words that trigger all the good stuff i have learned in the last two years. has it been two years? i cannot believe that in a few weeks it will be the anniversary of traveler’s death. two years. i miss him. and then two years since my grandmother’s death this april. i miss her every single day. i was telling jon today that all my poetry is about her. and the reason i think it is always about her is because it is the most real thing in my life. the fact that she is dead. it is tangible and real and yet unbelievable and crazy and not at all tangible at the same time. but it is the most real. i have never felt more real in all my life as i have felt since she died. everything is different. every single fucking thing about it all is different. all of it. i am sleepy and don’t really want to be so focused on this as i get ready to head to bed. i miss her. getting her windbreaker in the mail and some other things has been a good thing. but the missing crept back to the forefront since i opened that box. that is okay. but it is still so very painful. but real. i think of the velveteen rabbit a lot. the wise skin horse. the truth, the truth, the truth. yes. only when you are rubbed off in parts and all that stuff. only then are you real. what i love about blogging is that i really believe some people come to the page and come from their real place. not everyone i suppose. but that is not for me to judge. i appreciate that blogging has helped me to know that this search for real is not something i am doing alone. oh this makes me even more tired though. all the work. and it is work. this living. i bought these little tiny glass jars today and i cannot wait to fill them with the smallest of bits i use to create. of course, i have been creating more in my mind lately. but soon, i will be creating again. stuff that is tangible. i spent the last few days brainstorming potential names for a little business i would like to create where i might sell my creations. hmmm. so many fun words out there. so many possibilities. it is great fun to brainstorm like this. i told jon that sometimes i laugh in my head that i am one of those people with all these great ideas for things to sell and create. the good thing is that i don’t create businesses for each one of them because then we would be living in a little teeny one room place. but at the same time, i wish i took the leap. stopped the excuses. today, we were at a store also known as the paper source also known as a place where i want to spend a million dollars also known as the place i left without spending a dime, and they had these delightful lowercase letters i could put on my wall. and i decided what i wanted to spell: begin. that is the word. begin. BUT. of course. they didn’t have any e’s. not one. though the nice woman told me that michael’s has the same kind of letters. will be funny to compare prices. they were hollow cardboard letters that i can decorate. this is the reminder. begin. when i don’t know what to do. begin. when i don’t know what to make. begin. when i am scared. begin. when i am overwhelmed. begin. begin. do not be afraid. stop with the excuses already.
begin.