i know you are good for me. i know i should love you. i know you help me. when i spend time with you, i solve a few problems of the world. you open my eyes to new ideas. about me, about life, about my past, about my future. i start to get ideas for things: books, projects, stories, things i want to create. i know. you do all these things. you turn me inside out some days. and this can be a really good thing. you even invite “aha!” moments. yes, i know your power.
but right now. well, right now i am just raging against you. those are the words that run through my head whenever i see you and know it is time. i rage again the morning pages. yes. i rage against you. i don’t like you. i want you to go away. i can’t believe that i agreed to come back to you again. i can’t believe it. i know our relationship has, at times, been love-hate. but this time. well, this time i am not loving you at all. nope.
because, you see, i know your tricks. how you suck me in. how i tell myself i am only going to write one page but you tempt me with the truth and creativity and suddenly i am at the top of page four and realize what you have done. you will not seduce me this time. you will not prove yourself to be a tool i cannot live without.
oh no you won’t!
you won’t get me. i see you for what you are. i see you for all your messiness and truthiness and boldness and silliness and all that you can give me. i see it.
told you didn’t i?
and just you wait, when i open up my notebook again tonight, you will hear it all again.
sincerely,
someone who is super, super annoyed with you
********
(i am working through the artist’s way with my friend heather. her first time. my third. of course the first two times i didn’t get through the whole thing. last time i mostly loved the morning pages even though i didn’t do them every day. this time. this time i am raging against them. and we are just starting week two. i think the MPs are getting the first wave of me speaking my truth. good thing they don’t have any feelings.)
