little lists

(a small list of some of the) things i can control (in the next day or so)

deciding to twirl for no reason at all
if i change out of my pajamas tomorrow
how i wear my hair (pigtails or two buns)
if i want to put a banana on my cereal in the morning
if i want to answer the phone (remember my post-it…did i tell you about it…it said “do i want to make/take this call”)
what kind of tea to drink
how many times i tell my husband i love him
how I remember
if i play with millie (that one is pretty easy)
which slippers i put on when i get out of bed
if i watch entourage or ugly betty or just read more harry potter when I eat my lunch tomorrow
if i snap at someone
if i fall into the hole again
if i let go
if i write
if i take a nap
if i tell the truth
asking for advice when I want it
what music to listen to
if i sing along to that music
when i go to bed…


(a small list of some of the) things i can’t (seem to) control

crying
feeling like i don’t have control
fear
the past
the need to blow my nose
the soreness of my throat
how my sinuses feel near exploding
the aching of my body
others’ expectations
letting others know when i don’t need advice
the ringing of the phone
being old for so long
the fear of the truth
the fear of actually setting the boundaries
the fear of asking for what i need
the weight of it
the weight of all of it

maybe it is just that the things on the second list are just bigger than the things on the first list. maybe that is why they feel so heavy. and yes, i know there are more things…bigger things that i can control…like my attitude in every moment and how i respond to things. yes. i believe this. and bigger things i can’t control…like world peace and violence all around us and how we are destroying our earth with our need for things. i know. i know. i know. right now, i just need some space to…just be in this space.
and yes, that was a gentle hint that i do not really need advice as much as i need a hug. (thank you)