let go of the beast inside

We are so accustomed to disguising ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.
François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

As I was walking in Portland yesterday, I had this thought that there is something I would really like to share here but I can't. Something that someone said to me recently that stopped. me. in. my. tracks. I was so shocked by this person's "well-intentioned but holy crap I can't believe you just said that to me and I am supposed to react to you" idea that I did not know what to do. This isn't someone who "lives" in my blog world but someone who lives in my "real" world. It wasn't earth shattering, but it was something I wanted to post about because I think people would...well...I think it would be an interesting topic. However, I know that person never even thought for a minute that what was said might hurt me or have been not at all helpful.

This led me to think about the idea that after a blog is shared with friends or family, censoring or the avoidance of certain topics might occur, and if the blog is anonymous, this probably doesn't happen as often. Whether you started out with friends and family reading your blog, told them about it after you started, or even if they don't know but you feel close with people in your blog world, you probably began to censor just a bit or avoided certain hot topics. For some, it may not be too much. For others, it might be a lot. It depends on the topic and the day and so many other things. For me, I do not really censor, but when I do, it is usually to avoid accidentally hurting someone's feelings. (I am already thinking, "Oh I hope no one is out there trying to figure out what you said. Let that go. That is not the point of this post. And no, it wasn't you. Or you.") I believe this is a place for me to reveal pieces of the truth of my journey, a place where I unpack bits of my baggage to examine and learn. But it is also a place where I seek a community of sorts. And I appreciate that this has given some people in my life the opportunity to see other sides of who I am. I know that there are topics I avoid (politics being one) because I just don't want my blog to be about debating or other things. Still, there are times when I want to say things here. I want to show another side of myself. I want to say, "hey, you hurt my feelings and I think you should know that and if you are going to do it in public, I want to reply in public." Or maybe tell a piece from my childhood or about my relationships with certain people in my life. But I believe my blog is not a place for that. Even though writing here is so personal for me and has become a big piece of who I am, this is not the place for everything.

However, if we keep these things bottled up inside for too long, they grow. It is almost as though they sprout feet and teeth and claws. We have to be careful that they don't become raging beasts inside us, threatening to alter our course with their power.

As I was walking around in Portland, I had the thought that I wished I could just share some of these things in someone else's comments. I know that is odd, but that way I could put it out into the universe and not censor. Hmmm. Then as we were walking today, I shared this next idea with Lynn, and we agreed I should put it out there.

Is there anything you want to share here that you can't share on your blog? A story that others wouldn't understand? Feelings about a hot topic? A venting that just needs to be unearthed from the depth of your being? A piece of information you just have to share? A secret's energy that needs releasing? If yes, I invite you to leave this here in the comments of this post. Feel free to leave it anonymously if you like. Just get it out of you.

I think you will feel lighter without it growing inside you.