an invitation to see {self-portrait challenge}

Two years ago, my daily practice, for two months, was to look in the mirror for a few minutes everyday. I began this practice after reading an article by Elizabeth Gilbert in Yoga Journal (read more background about my previous experience with this meditation here and here).

A few weeks into this practice, I realized I had stopped just looking at me and instead had started seeing me. I began to see the beauty in the curves of my face and how my eyes sometimes seem to smile and the fullness of my lips. I began to see wisdom and truth. My internal self-talk began to soften.

For a few months, I have been thinking about starting this practice again. After a confusing couple of moments while on a trip this summer, moments that brought up that harsher self-talk, I found myself standing in front of a mirror and pausing.

I stood there and looked myself in the eye and felt myself begin to crumble a bit. I was honest with myself about the feelings that had surfaced and could feel that invitation to simply "lose it." In that moment, I took a deep breath, and looking eye to eye with me, I felt an invitation to seek some refuge within this meditation I had spent time with two years ago. So much emotion knocked inside me as I looked at myself, trying to see beauty. I didn't want to give into that internal pull to lose it, as I needed to exit the bathroom at some point in a manner that seemed pulled together. So I stood there watching the shadow of my earring that the light from the skylight was creating…I just watched the shadow on my face and how light seemed to dance around it. I took in that moment and found my breath.

The next day, I found myself standing in front of this mirror again, and I focused on the way my bangs brushed across my forehead. The day after that, I focused on the slight curve of my lips right before a full smile spread across my face. And on and on. For about three weeks now, I have spent a few minutes each day just looking at me…trying to see me again.

Earlier today, I stood eye to eye with me and felt that self-talk soften just a bit.

This reflection mediation has become my practice yet again.

I am trying to see me…to see more than what someone else might see when making assumptions or judgments…to see more than what I see when doing the same. I am looking at the shadows and the light and trying to give myself permission to crack open a bit more.

I am standing eye to eye with me and trying to let the shadows dance their way into the light and shine just a bit.

I am giving myself permission to see beauty.

I am giving myself permission to see me.

(see more shining self-portraits here)
(read Elizabeth Gilbert's full article here)

blue.3 {self-portrait challenge}

blue is (also), to me,
safety (inconsistent)
truth (truth)
warmth (distance)
clarity (aloof)
freedom (isolating)
coolness (wide)
creativity (muggy)
connection (puzzling)
music (quiet)
hope (cyclical)

blue is, to me,
home

blue is, to me,
breath
truth
possibility
a pause
cocooning
opaque
peace
constant
shelter
rebirth

blue is, to me,
home

blue.1 here
blue.2 here
other interpretations of blue here

blue.2 {self-portrait challenge}

blue is (also), to me,
safety (inconsistent)
truth (truth)
warmth (distance)
clarity (aloof)
freedom (isolating)
coolness (wide)
creativity (muggy)
connection (puzzling)
music (quiet)
hope (cyclical)
blue is, to me,
home

blue.1 here
other interpretations of blue here

five (really) good things...right now

self-portrait at mickey's house, january 08

(i stopped by geek inc and felt inspired to share five reasons why i am smiling in this moment...right now...)

1. hearing joy in my brother's voice as we talked from one end of this coast to the other today (and more importantly, hearing him feel proud of himself)
2. hearing happiness in my mother's voice as we talked across the many miles
3. hearing my dad's voice after his surgery today...knowing he is okay even though he is so far away
4. hearing my friend's voice when i left her a voicemail...i knew she wouldn't be home, but it always feels a bit like talking to her after i hear her voice and then proceed to go on and on because i want to share something very specific
5. hearing my own laughter...oh it feels good to fill the house with laughter

i would love to hear your five good things today...
share them, won't you?

blue.1 {self-portrait challenge}

weaving in the ends, 2.5.08

blue is, to me,
safety
truth
warmth
clarity
freedom
coolness
creativity
connection
music
hope
blue is, to me,
home

(see more interpretations of blue here)

today...a shift...a smile {self-portrait challenge}

Sitting in the dentist office waiting room today, I started writing a blog post in my journal that was full of some of the thoughts swirling around my head lately. Thoughts about how one balances the good and the shit and how hard it is to rest in the midst of all that life throws one's way in any given moment, day, week, year. Since early November I have been to the dentist more times that I can keep track up. The days prior to a dentist appointment are filled with tummy problems and nervousness and dread. At my second appointment, the one where you sit there after your cleaning and the dentist and the assistant talk about your teeth in a language you do not know as though you are not there and write down all the problems you…your teeth…have…at that appointment, I burst into tears. So overwhelmed by all of it. Full of such shame and sadness and a little anger. And, as I explained why I was crying: not because of fear of the dental appointments to come or the tools or the drilling…no, I said, I am crying because I feel such shame that my teeth are like this.

(And in that moment, in my head I was saying…I feel such shame because I smile so big and can't help it but I know that when I smile people can see the discoloration on my teeth. I feel such shame because of all the reasons that are no ones fault yet kind of everyone's fault that brought me to this moment in this chair with these tears. I feel such shame because there is no way we can pay for all of this. I feel such shame because I never told anyone how it felt that day I got my braces off and there was all that damage. I feel such shame because I am 31 and crying at the dentist's office. I feel such shame…)

There was so much I did not say. But, as I tried to breathe to avoid the threatening ugly cry, this new dentist said something...well...something pretty magical, "I think the self-abuse about this should stop today. You are here now. And, we are going to fix it."

So I brought Jeero the uglydoll to the next appointment and sat there for over three hours. And, the next appointment, which was an emergency appointment, I didn't bring Jeero, but I did have my playlist that soothed me while I experienced the joy that is an unexpected root canal. And, I went to the next appointment, and then to the one where the million-dollar crown was put on a tooth, and then to the next appointment where I listened to Steve Martin read his new book and sat for another three hours, and then to today's appointment…

Today.

Even though my head aches from the drilling and my gums are sore from the shots and my sinuses seem to have been a bit affected by all the numbness and all that is a dental appointment, I walked out of the dentist office with a smile on my face. I walked out into the raining sleet that is washing away the snow and felt light.

Today was the day he worked on my front teeth. My front four teeth look so good. They look good for the first time since…well…a long, long time. I feel such joy about it that the tears that fall as I type this are from joy, not shame. It is a good day…

And that one tooth…the one that was so damaged from my braces…the tooth that felt like a mark of shame. It is shining.

It is a good day.

And, yes, I do plan to write about some of the deeper stuff swirling around at some point. But, today, I just want to celebrate letting go of the shame.

Today, I just want to smile.

(see what else people are celebrating over at self-portrait challenge)

the only clouds around...{self-portrait challenge}

today, the only clouds that i could see were the ones on my pajamas

blue sky
outside
and inside (me)

celebrating feeling the sun
outside
and inside (me)

breathing in brightness
breathing out hope

today, i feel the joyful reverberations of a slumber party of a weekend full of friendship, laughter, solving a few problems, brainstorming, creating, consuming two super-good snacks here, visits here and here, new jewels, and then an unexpected extra day of time with my brother (and getting to play "i live all by myself in a loft in the pearl" for a few hours).

a weekend that was the deep breath i needed

breathe in blue sky
breathe out compassion

feel the sun inside (me)

(see more self-portrait celebrations here)

the lightness and the darkness (self-portrait challenge}

my soul sometimes does not know where to land...in the dark or in the light. the darkness can feed the melancholy and uncertainty and pain. the lightness can feed the same at times. do you notice this? how the lightness can feel heavy when the clouds hide the blue. but there is beauty in both. the light in the darkness can force an unexpected shift in perspective. a cloud can invite relief from the glare. there is hope in the light and the dark.

today, i wear the lightness.

as the rain drips steadily this time of year, i seek the lightness. when the sun sneaks out behind that steady drum of wetness, i seek the warmth. i look out the windows until i find a little spot of sunlight; then i put on shoes and zero in on it. even if it means standing in the street.

i want to wear the unwavering lightness of the sun.

today, i wear the darkness.

as the darkness envelopes our little home, i feel cocooned in evening. the ritual of closing the blinds and lighting candles and straightening a bid. a ritual almost forgotten but remembered today as evening knocked at the door.

i want to wear the darkness of twilight and dancing candlelit shadows.

(see what others are wearing at self-portrait challenge)

i wear handmade {self-portrait challenge}

late afternoon with millie, 20 november 2007

estella necklace by jen, birdhouse pendant by stephanie, mitts by jmaccknit, my little black dress (in grey) by treehouse 28

hat by jmaccknit and earrings by sulu

i am enjoying bringing more and more handmade items into my wardrobe. shopping more on etsy and at art+craft fairs and less in the big box stores.

it feels more like me to wear these pieces...

i took the handmade pledge a week weeks back, which means i am giving only handmade gifts for the holidays this year and asking for handmade gifts.

so lots of time spent on etsy...i mean a lot of time spent on etsy.

some new favorites (these are all in the "made by yarn" category):

these mitts
this capelet
and this capelet
this hat
this blooming brooch
this apple jacket


one idea i want to pass on to you is to check out the favorites of other etsy folks. you can find their lists right in the sidebar of their shops or in their profiles. even if you don't have an etsy shop, you can create a profile and start adding items and shops to your favorites, and then you can share the link to your favorites with your loved ones so that they know what you might want this holiday season...go on...buy (and ask for) some handmade gifts...

posing, 20 november 2007

i took so many photos today, that by the time i posed for this one i was cracking up at the oddity of taking self-portraits...thought it might resonate with some of you...

oh and see what others are wearing here

current uniform, week two {self-portrait challenge}

when the day demands a change from flannel, you can usually find me in jeans, a sweater coat, a t-shirt, and some comfortable slip-on shoes.

i think that the sweater coat invites a sense of coziness and safety and warmth. all good things when the air is chilly and the day is winnie-the-pooh blustery.

(i can't believe that i once wore pantyhose and suits and heels to work every day. today, i am so lucky.)

see more self-portraits here

current uniform week one {self-portrait challenge}

flannel pjs and quilted patchwork scarf, 5 november 2007

the maple in our backyard has almost shed her clothing, anticipating her time of rest and renewel. the as old-as-the-house heater stirs a bit more often lately. soup, more mugs of tea, spiced cider, and roasted root vegetables become cravings.

autumn has settled in for a stay. and today, it seems that winter has begun to write letting us know of her imminent arrival.

i tuck myself in for the day in flannel pajamas, a scarf, and some other necessities.

(see what other foks are wearing here)

tea and flannel {self-portrait challenge}

After I turn on my laptop and feed the dog, I fill the teapot with water, choose my cup of the day, choose my tea (probably genmaicha), and take a moment to just look out the window until the water boils. Already in my office clothes, I brew the tea and settle in for the day.

Fall is here.

(see more self-portraits here)

connection found {self-portrait challenge}

feeling tired. a bit overwhelmed. close to weepy. i seek...i pause to notice. what is it that i need? breathing with purpose, slowly, i realize: i seek connection. i go to my altar and take a breath and open my heart to what i am seeking. my rocks. from the shores of puget sound at fort worden. i hold them tightly and remember. i am part of the water. i am tumbling and twisting on my journey. i am slicing open and breaking apart. i am shiny on the sand. i am part of the earth. i am waiting. i am open. i am found.


to see more reactions to the challenge of pattern, visit self-portrait challenge.

morning break {self-portrait challenge}

when i took this picture yesterday, i planned to write about how i am taking a bit of time each morning to drink my tea and walk around the yard to see what is growing, what needs watering, how the hydrangea blooms are doing, and so on. just like my grandmother would do every morning. what she would try to get me to do wtih her when i would visit. it was really nice to do this yesterday. i felt close to her but i also took a minute to just breathe.

but, i didn't do it again today. i didn't walk around the yard with my tea to see what is growing. it didn't even cross my mind to do it.

my current feelings seem to be frazzled, stressed, overwhelmed, annoyed, hurt...the list goes on and on. and it seems that when i most feel this way, i lose sight of the things that would invite me to feel better. i forget i have my own toolbox of how to heal myself.

that is how it goes.
i just keep doing the best i can.
even when the best i can doesn't seem all that great.
i just keep going.
i just keep listening for the little whispers from something greater than me.
i just keep remembering how to love.

and i try again tomorrow.

(more self-portraits here)

****

edited to add: and through my stress (though i suspect i am not alone in the confusion), i thought we had moved on to pattern at SPC. well, indeed this picture is my connection to the earth as well, which has been my theme this month for SPC. my need to connect with it when i am stressed. and what happens when i do not feel grounded to the earth beneath my feet.

sleep, grow, bloom, repeat {self-portrait challenge}

the always turning cycle of the earth. the seasons. the great sleep and then the little sliver of green bursting through to grow until it blooms. then back to the beginning. repeat.

a rhythm. a belief in possibility. a commitment to letting go and living.

(see more photos about the elements at self-portrait challenge)

an earth mermaid {self-portrait challenge}

I am an earth person. I like the ground. I like to feel my feet on the earth. I live my life that way most of the time. My feet to the earth and my head grounded.

But, I often wish to be a mermaid, able to swim with the humpbacks and play with the sea otters. I want to float on my back with my hair splayed out around me like a crown. I want to dive into the depths of a lake and look for lost shoes and glasses. I wish that I could talk with the dolphins and ask sea stars questions. I want to peek my head up and take a breath and dive under the ocean once again. I want to giggle at snorkelers who wish they had fins like me. I dream of telling the clown fish about the movie they star in. I want to see a mother humpback nudge her baby up for air. I want to swim across one ocean until I reach another. I want to marvel at the colors of all the creatures I do not yet know.

But, I am an earth person.

I wish that I was not afraid of deep water and that I didn't try to inhale whenever my head goes under. I wish that instead of wanting to go kayaking in Puget Sound but knowing I never will, I would feel safe enough to paddle my way through the fear. I wish that I didn't have to usually say, "no you guys go ahead" when it comes to water activities. I wish that I did not feel odd wanting to wear a snorkel mask so that I could swim in deep water or at the ocean because I can swim I just can't go under water without trying to breathe if my nose isn't plugged. I wish to swim like a mermaid with only wonder and little fear.

For now, though, I guess I am an earth mermaid who lives with her feet on the ground but dreams of all that might be.

(see more interpretations of the elements at self-portrait challenge)

soaking in the joy {self-portrait challenge}

a brief break in the middle of the day to enjoy lunch outside. fruit and cheese and water with lime. reading a magazine. remembering the importance of taking time away from work and responsibility to just soak in summer. remembering to soak in the joy.

(and yes, i did buy two of those polka dot bowls because i knew they would match my new shoes.)

see more self-portrait takers in their environments here.

choosing the sun {self-portrait challenge}

on the banks of puget sound, june 19, 2007

on the days when misunderstandings threaten to roll in the clouds. on the days when the missing rocks my heart and her voice seems lost to me. on the days when the last thread of possibility begins to tear. on days when the aloneness feels like a friend. on the days when dreaming feels immature and silly. on days when the patterns long left behind suddenly appear as an option. on days when i feel forgotten and realize i have actually forgotten myself.

on these days, like a violet on a kitchen windowsill, i choose the sun.
i choose.
i choose.

(see more reactions to the challenge of environment at self-portrait challenge)

rhythm of possibilty {self-portrait challenge}

Sewing in my little room. It is actually pretty clean right now, but from this angle, you cannot tell that at all.

I tend to find sewing meditative. The rhythm of the cutting, ironing, pinning, sewing, snipping, turning, ironing, pinning and on and on. I have time to think as I do these things. Lately, my brain has tended to wander to the idea of possibilities. I am feeling my heart open with this idea…possibility. There is so much that is before me. I just need to give myself a little space to realize this. I need to allow myself to release the fear, anxiety, self-doubt, and self-judgment. It is that darn self-judgment that gets me every time. The comparisons with others and negative voices that echo in my head.

Trying to just find that rhythm of hope and belief.
In myself.

Trying to stay in a rhythm of possibility.

(visit self-portrait challenge for more responses to this month's challenge of environment.)

planting connection {self-portrait challenge}

There has been a running dialogue in my head with you today. I suppose it started with the smell of strawberries in the kitchen this morning. I started thinking about how anytime I would see you in the spring and early summer we always had strawberries. Because you would freeze them, I guess we had them whenever I visited. My mind wandered to memories of you all day. Maybe it is because the last time I saw you it was this week, three years ago. Does the mind subconsciously remember such things? This afternoon, as I sliced the strawberries before Jonny got home, I just thought about you and wondered how you are doing. Wondered where you are now. Just wondered. I keep thinking about how I have been drawn to the color green for the last year or so…longer than that now I guess. It is that nature green…that bright leafy, grass green that I seem to want to soak in. Though, I guess, I am drawn to all shades of it lately (as evidenced by my clothes and jewelry and the fabric I buy), but it is the grass green that seems to be important. It is the color that seems to be whispering "grow" to me. Maybe it is you whispering that word to me through this color. Through the leaves on the tulips all spring. Through the warm, thick grass in the backyard. Through the oregano that comes back each year in our little patch of "garden." Through the green of the plants I decided I had to plant late this evening. I was working late and decided that even though dusk was fast approaching, I just wanted to put those annuals into the pots and not wait another day. And, as I turned over the soil and moved it to the side to put them into the pots, I found myself talking to you again. Letting you know that even though I may not have your gardening abilities or that I do not love it to the extent you did, putting those plants in the soil in those pots helps me feel close to you. Helps me to feel a connection. Of course, it also makes my back hurt like hell. Goodness my back is the back of someone with sciatica. It felt good to just tell you about that too. Just like I was catching you up on my life as though we were talking as we used to. I started wondering if you used to wear gloves when you would plant things. I think so. I waited for an answer as I thought the question. Maybe you will remind me when I plant the herbs later this week. I told you that I thought you would have laughed at me out there wearing my wedding ring in all that soil and you would have shook your head in disbelief that I was planting things so late. But, then I had the thought that maybe you understood. You understood my need to feel this closeness. Our relationship has shifted. And, as I talked to you this evening, I felt this bit of space inside me that seemed to indicate that you understand. That there is just knowing now. And, that is okay.

It feels so good to talk to you. And, it wasn't a conversation filled with sobs or moments of literal heart ache. No, it was just me talking to you. Just me feeling connected.

(see more self-portraits at self-portrait challenge)