believing on the last day of november.

I started to write a post about what I can't believe…how I can't believe that it is the end of November and I have written a post every single day…how I can't believe I have completed something I set out to do…

I started to write about what I can't believe.
But the thing is, I can believe it.

I can believe
that I posted every day in November.
that I found words to share in this space that feels like another type of home for me.
that the holidays are here and another year has almost passed as each year does as a life is lived.
in the stirrings of hope and possibility this month has given me.
in the connection of friendships found in this space, in this other type of home.
in the encircling of friends who see me.
that sharing pieces of the guts of my experience is one of the reasons I am here.

So I hope to post almost every day in December because posting every single day this month has reminded me of my early days of blogging when thinking things like "oh! I can blog this!" was a new sort of inner dialogue and I found great joy in coming to the empty screen and putting down the whispers that are inside me…

I will be embarking on December Views with Dar and a few other delightful souls (more information here) and sharing these whispers through images.

But while I look forward to sinking into the silence that comes with sharing images next month, I also want to sink into the sounds of this time of year…at least the sounds of my world. I plan to share a favorite holiday tune each day through Christmas Day because…well, because the soundtrack of the holidays is very much part of the soundtrack of my life and I want to share because it simply makes me so happy.

I also plan to share a gift ideas list (or two) as I have come across so many wondrous simple things as we attempt to buy handmade yet again this year. I had hoped to do that during the wordiness that was November but I guess other things needed to be shared. I will also let you know when I update the shop with scarves, patchwork aprons, and some other fun holiday-inspired creations. I am planning an update Monday, December 8th after my only holiday show, Urban Craft Uprising, next weekend (in Seattle at the Seattle Center on Saturday and Sunday; hope to see you there!!). However, if you see anything float across my flickr page this week that catches your eye, just send me an email.

Mostly though, I plan to be quiet in December while sharing little peeks into my world through images.

Blessings to you…and thank you so very much for visiting my little corner and staying for a bit.

what if

what if
what if you took that small step
just that small step
toward
that one thing
that one thing that your heart
that the guts of who you are
desires
what if you decided to begin
now
right now
with that one small step

i dare you.

remembering: sounds

her voice saying "come on" as she insists we walk around outside right after breakfast
the ritual of water running as soap is squirted and dishes slide, then knock together
flip flops clopping as we walk to the indoor pool and giggle when we see that again we have it all to ourselves
the guest room/her bedroom door creaking as she peeks to see if i am awake yet
the brush placed on the vanity when she finishes brushing her hair
laughter as she watches my brother and me slide down the backyard hill in our green sleds
her annoyed voice saying "honey" when i try to test her just a bit
the word "hello" just after my grandfather hands her the phone
the wooden spoon stiring sloppy joes on the stove

there is more...so much more...but i can't seem to find it tonight...the sense of seeing wants to take over the memories, but i want to remember the sounds...the sounds of almost thirty years of love and laughter and friendship and home...i want to remember how her voice said every word to me. but i can't. it seems lost tonight...but it was yesterday as i stood in the kitchen and began to measure flour and baking powder and nutmeg that i heard her voice. i heard her and i realized why i have stayed out of the kitchen these last few years. why i have come up with excuses to let jon cook most of the time or to get takeout. me, a person who actually likes cooking. it is because as soon as i start measuring things, i think about her. i think about calling her and asking her a question but then i have to remember that she isn't there. it happens almost everytime. i used to call with questions i didn't really have just to have an excuse to talk to her about cooking or house stuff as she was so proud to help me figure out my first home and cooking for my husband and all that wife stuff. and i wanted to learn from her and hoped she would feel good helping me as life seemed to be slipping away. i think though...i think i am going to try to spend a bit more time in the kitchen because maybe...maybe if i spend time measuring and turning the pages of cookbooks and filling the house with the smells of home i will remember the sounds...i will remember the sounds of her voice and it won't seem quite like it is all slipping away with each day that passes...maybe she will travel back to me for just a moment and i will remember.

today.

tonight, as i am curled up on the couch next to jonny and all snuggled in my plaid flannel pajamas, i think back on today and know that i am so very thankful for...

wonderful friends (who let us be part of the family today...thank you)

laughter that invites you to just let go (i laughed until i cried while we were playing charades...i am in fact still laughing about that moment right now just thinking about it)

my little family (jonny and millie and me all together nestled in our home safe and sound)

for being able to come here and just be me (and having you reach out and connect and remind me that i am not alone...thank you for that dear ones...thank you)


i hope your day was full of the really good moments that make up a life well lived...

blessings,
liz

saying yes

some outtakes from a two girls, two clicks photo shoot

(i chose this one)

saying yes

to laughter

to letting it go

to embracing the inner silly

to knowing i am loved

to holding onto my circle of kindred spirits

to balance

to pigtails

to keeping the doctor away

to someone else cooking the turkey

to listening more

to remembering the laughter of those i love

to help

to chocolate + chocolate mint ice cream

to curling up under the quilts

to orange+green

to rereading the divine secrets

to hope

to brainstorming

to love

to seeing the beauty

to trust

to seeking peace within

to praying for peace everywhere

how about you?

*****

in honor of the holiday weekend in the u.s. (and that crazy friday shopping day), from now until sunday night i am offering free shipping in the shop for readers of my blog (and anyone they tell). just note, "hey liz, i would love free shipping" or something similar in the notes to seller when you check out and pay through paypal, i will then reimburse you the shipping. this applies to custom necklace orders and international shipping too!

eight places to go (and two girls, two clicks)

1. shedding (me) 2. holding on (geek girl)
photo collaboration with miss geek inc, week 10
two girls, two clicks

places to go:

kelly's post where you can make a really incredible difference in one family's life (and maybe win one of her paintings!)

jen's post about living your life in your way on your path

denise's new baby's photos (he is simply adorable)

susannah's and alicia's favorite things

dar's view of autumn

the world of skunkboy creatures

the dolls and creations of christine alvarado (i adopted isadora in the last update...she is gorgeous)

the very special intimates at under the root (have the bloomers and LOVE them)

be present {a soul mantra}

be present
a new soul mantra necklace from the little room

bring stillness in
give yourself
(deep, wide)
permission
to just be present
in this moment
in this life
in your life

allow yourself
to experience
without the swirl
of distractions
around you
(within you)

notice how your breath
moves in your body
notice the beauty
of this moment
of this life
of your life

baby girl,
you are here
(right here)
where you are supposed to be
just let yourself
be present
and
live this life

live your life

nine glimpses into one moment in time in our home.

all photos taken from standing in one spot in our living room this evening.
(click on any photo to read more about them on my flickr.)

seven happy things about this day (alternatively: a post written when i should have already been sleeping)

the new themes on gmail. yep. love it. tea house. little red panda (or that is what i think he is) keeps me company all day. (he also keeps me company on igoogle.)*

a friend bringing top pot doughnuts for us to sneak into the 10:30AM showing of this.**

taking a short nap all curled up with millie and jonny.

turning dad's old ties into flower pins for my booth at UCC.

clean laundry.

taking more small steps to cleaning this darn house.

remembering to write this blog post before going to sleep.

*if this means nothing to you, never fear, it is a google/gmail thing. this is how i feel when people speak twitter.
**i mean, what else would two grown women who were roommates at boarding school go and see at the theatre before noon?***
***as the credits rolled, we both admitted that we think we were 15+ years too old for this movie...hard to explain how something that seemed romantic can come across as almost funny, but it did. throughout the entire thing really...though, i did enjoy the it overall. ****
****but i think i even enjoyed the preview for this more.*****
*****which makes me think i will probably be watching this****** tomorrow while sewing and sewing and sewing.
******for like the nineteenth time. seriously, i cannot stop watching this movie. i might have watched it as many times as you've got mail and that is really saying something*******
*******though this is the movie i have seen most of all. my mom and i watched a "taped off of channel nine" version of that movie a trillion times when i was a kid. no kidding. a trillion. at least.

(signing off now. going to sleep. for real. smooches.)

scenes from an impromptu date night

five (really) good things

an outfit for this day, 11.20.08

one. the friendly smiling faces and (seriously) sparkling personalities of the peeps at the drive-through starbucks this morning.

two. figuring out how to use my speakerphone on my blackberry so that i could continue a conversation that started out as a "i need you to talk to me so that i can stop crying and drive" and became a "yes, this idea is brilliant" kind of conversation with a good amount of laughter peppered in.

three. having a neighbor rescue me in a really kind way (we don't really know any of our neighbors...and i am so very grateful for the voice that said "yes" when i said, "i need some help...").

four. hearing this song on the radio just when i needed it (and feeling really surrounded by love in that moment).

five. wearing my new favorite purple socks. and tights. and a dress over a skirt. just because i can.

what five (really) good things are part of your world?
share them.
i dare ya.

wednesday night poem notes...

photo collaboration with miss geek inc, week 9
click to see larger

circling, shifting, begging
seeking heat
yearning to be touched and twirled and taken
my face tips up
the sun warms my eyelids

yes

*****

in this spot, i used to share poetry on thursdays...i miss it sometimes (well, a lot of the time actually), so it made me smile when LK let me know that she is hosting a day of sharing words today. i am taking part in the fun just in time. to visit other participants, head over to LK's.

and, i also invite you to spend some time with the poetry of li-young lee. his poetry speaks to my core. you can read several of his poems here. ("persimmons" took my breath away one day in 2006. you should read it. right now.)

have any poets wandered into your world lately?

on being present.

me, dar, jen, maddie

photo taken by darlene

i have been thinking a lot about how i really know how to get lost inside my own head and sometimes that means getting lost inside the past. the truth is that the past is what gives us the experiences we need to deal with the moment we are living in, but sometimes the past creates a path where you are walking knee deep in murky stuff that isn't helping you at all but is instead threatening to pull you under.

a pattern has begun to make itself clear. i try very hard to feel alone in a group. i try to find a reason why someone won't like me or why i am being invited to feel left out or why i am not the most interesting person there so of course people really do not want me to be part of it all and oh how the list goes on.

i try to find little reasons to feel lonely, even when i am having a good time. and here is the thing, i don't even really realize i am doing it because i am so wrapped up in, "see (i tell myself), see, i am right. they don't even want to listen to you/your ideas..." or some other such nonsensical phrasing that i try to make myself believe. somehow this must have been working for me in the past. this walking in the back of the group "oh look at me, no one even wants to walk with me" kind of crap...it must have been working. i think it is how i could justify feeling lonely so often.

and i suppose the reality is that i have had some experiences where this little voice has been proven right. where someone seemed like a friend but wasn't. where a group acted like they wanted me to be part of their closeness but when i was really myself i was rejected.

these experiences have given that voice power..."see, i am right!" it says...

so when i found myself invited to a weekend in portland with a dear friend i have spent a lot of time with in person and two bloggers i couldn't wait to meet in person and spend time with, i said yes. and i didn't even think about saying no. i guess i wasn't allowing myself to dwell on any negative possibilities because if i did, i might have a total panic attack thinking that the rejection i had felt from other bloggers i had spent time with might happen again.

and i never did let that panic even whisper loud enough to warrant recognition.

but, i so tried to feel alone in a group again.

yes. i. did.

even though i was having an incredible time. even though i felt truly embraced. even though i was staying in a home where i feel like family when i am there.

i still tried to let the past stomp on the present.

but, this time, i tried to just observe it while it was happening. i recognized it, "oh, there you are again. there you are trying to invite me to see something that isn't happening. i see you." and i just let myself feel it, while also staying really, really present in what was happening around me.

and a funny thing happened. i couldn't convince myself that it was happening again because all the evidence pointed to an experience with three women where i was being really seen for all of me.

staying present while allowing myself to be honest with me about the emotions that were coming up allowed me to remain grounded while recognizing my own wisdom.

and, there is this other piece of deciding not to share all those feelings as i was having them because even though i was surrounded by women who care about me, who would have listened, sometimes the sharing creates an unexpected drama that just isn't needed if you allow yourself to find that grounding within.

i believe this one simple truth: we all want to be liked.

but there is another layer of this: we need to like ourselves.

i know that might sound simple or silly or "mid-80s new age-y," but we need to look at the truth of our own self-reflection and be honest about what we say to ourselves and how that invites its own layer of confusion as we live in our lives. or should i say, i am doing this a bit more each day and realizing how it enables me to be so much more fully present in my life.

i started this blog in the midst of the two-year yoga teacher training i did a few years ago. i was in the midst of understanding how just being with one's breath, present within the inhale and exhale, could change one's life. the idea of trying to "be present, be here."

learning to really live this, not just speak of it, is a pretty intense experience.

but, i think it is really living. living by being present and grounded and embraced within your own knowledge and truth...while allowing yourself to be loved.

last week, i was very lucky to spend time with three gorgeous souls in portland and i felt safe enough to see myself.

(thank you)

november 17.

backyard maple, november 2008

tonight, i am feeling so toasty warm after a hot, hot shower and am nestled in my flannel pajamas, my hair wrapped in one of our new seaglass green towels. the air is tinged with the pleasant cloud of patchouli incense and millie has curled up near me after hearing the sounds of jonny getting ready for bed and realizing it is that time in the evening where she and i stay up a bit later. i am feeling just a slight wish for snow this evening, though it seldom falls here. i wish that we might wake up tomorrow to six inches and a snow day and time to just be together. though, at the same time, i am enjoying each shade of autumn that i see during the day outside my window. having only one car right now means i am taking jonny to school and getting out of the house during the early morning when the fog is still heavy and the sun is trying to smile. it is nice to get out of the house as i spend so much of it here, in this spot on this purple couch where i edit and blog and read and sew and how the list goes on. yes, it is nice to get out and see the reds and yellows and bits of green as they puddle onto the ground beneath wise oaks and standing tall maples amidst all those ever, ever green trees.

today. six.

six, 11.16.08

tonight, i remember a moment from this scene in good will hunting* where robin williams says to matt damon, "do you have a soul mate?...somebody who challenges you?...someone who opens up things for you. touches your soul."

i remember being in the theatre in college when i saw this movie and reflecting for a moment on the idea of a soul mate being someone who challenges you. i remember thinking how different this sounded than what other people had told me i was supposed to want. and i remember hoping...
one day...

on this day, i feel very blessed to have been married to someone who challenges me...who opens things...who pushes me and touches my soul...to have been married to him for six years.

very blessed.

*note that this scene, like this whole movie, has a whole heck of a lot of swear words you might not want your children to hear...but it is such a very good scene.

yet another blog post in november

facebook statuses that could have been written by me today:

liz...

is wishing that there were fresh eggs so she could have two poached eggs and toast for breakfast...or is it lunch by now?

was totally able to get to etsy in time to buy the doll she wanted.

is emailing with maddie and wishing she was sitting here right now.

is still in her pajamas at 11 a.m.

is watching notre dame win.

is watching navy almost beat notre dame by scoring a whole lot of points in the last two minutes.

is kind of thinking navy deserved to win after that.

is sewing together a lot of scarves.

hopes january 20 gets here soon.

misses her friends so much it hurts.

is in love with purple today.

wishes she was sitting in jen's office and emailing her (even if we might be in the same room at the time).

is watching a whole lot of season two of the west wing (and is more than a little crushing on sam seaborn).

is really thankful jonny brought her lunch.

is beyond panicked about getting things ready for urban craft uprising.

is wondering what to do when people she doesn't know ask to be her friend on facebook.

is wishing she didn't have to be the one to torment millie with the eye medicine.

is loving the outfit she just put on.

cannot even believe that six years ago we were at our rehearsal dinner.

feels really loved when people say, "how are you?" and mean it.

has declared she will not be cooking the turkey on thanksgiving (so you know what that means...)

is wearing her new (sexy) black over-the-knee socks.

is kind of wishing she lived in an apartment...or maybe just had a little space somewhere just for her to go to during the day...or on those days when she needs to just be.

is eating homemade lasagna made by someone else (and loving it).

is enjoying laughter and good conversation.

is back to the part where she misses her friends.

is hoping to cut out lots of apron pockets tomorrow.

is smiling at an email she received.

wishes she had time to finish the ripple afghan (but MUST instead make aprons and scarves and bags and how the list goes on instead).

has to write a blog post before midnight.

is kind of ready to get to the part that involves pajamas and a pillow and cuddles.

has decided that it is simply time for bed.

tonight's list.

the guest room becoming the little room closet

sabrina
amelie
roman holiday
you've got mail
emma
sliding doors
pillow talk
that touch of mink
notting hill
sleepless in seattle


so, this is a list of movies that have main characters with clothes i most want to borrow.
yep.

any others? there have to be others...

watching sabrina tonight...
brainstorming a blog post...
came up with this...
today was kind of stressful...
don't have the emotional energy for another kind of post...

every day in november people.

sweet dreams...

tonight.

(bits of) november 12. [and two girls, two clicks. week 8]

photo collaboration with miss geek inc, week 8

(click to see a larger version)
2 girls, 2 clicks

today...

i was filled with wonder when watching this preview for pixar's up

i discovered i don't love the color pink when it means my puppy has pink eye

i smiled widely while checking out the weepies new video (via andrea)

i laughed out loud while talking with my mom on the phone

i learned a dear friend is moving close to my corner of the world (makes me so very happy)

i cried when i watched keith olbermann's commentary on prop 8 (minutes apart meri and ellen brought it to my attention)

i felt warm with each mug of numi's monkey king jasmine tea

i missed my beautiful girls so very much that i let myself pout a bit

i linked to blog friends in the above sentence in that way i find a bit pretentious

i allowed myself to own that i am loved

i deeply enjoyed reading each comment from my last post

i listened to daytime volume sing "something to chase"

i found myself a bit annoyed when my period key on my laptop kept sticking

i remembered how much i love it when jonny and i can just be side by side on the couch while each using our laptops

i decided that i think i am going to order this as i really do love a good cup of coffee in the morning (as i just cannot seem to make one in the drip coffee maker we have and i don't live close enough to jen to just walk over and drink one at her house)

i reminded myself that being here is the home of my heart

*****

this friday, i plan to make a new batch of soul mantra pendants, and i wanted to let you know just in case you have been thinking about a custom necklace.

if you have your own soul mantra word/phrase in mind, please email me at waywardtulip at gmail dot com so that we can discuss it.

also, a few folks have mentioned that they like the layered look of the pendants (including with other jewelry they have), so if you ever want the chain length to be shorter or longer, remember, all you have to do is ask. thanks!

a peek.

shedding maple, seattle, 11.8.08

i am so very sleepy after so much goodness in my world during the last four days.
and even though i (keep trying to insist that i ) am not officially doing this (except for the part where i just went and said i will), i just can't seem to go to bed without stopping by this little corner of my world and saying hello.

but today, i would really love it if you would do the talking...

so, what's going on in your world?

tell me something...anything...maybe a new favorite book or something you want to let go or something that has made you laugh out loud or what you had for dinner...

please,
give me a peek inside your world...

looking back to see here.

westport, washington, april 2008

i remember that little twitch inside that wasn't really a twitch but was more like a jolt that became an rsvp to an invitation to be completely misunderstood. i remember that whisper in the middle of my chest that was really more like a pit in my stomach that was feeling more than alone in the midst of what was to be an encirclement. i remember not listening to the voice inside that was really my intuition that was really the wisdom that has always been there. i remember the empty space that was really a moment alone that was actually a breath of fresh air disguised as intense confusion. i remember the desire to be thought of as someone else which was really a wish to be loved for who i was in that moment. i remember the confusion that was really the truth of someone else unable to just show up. i remember the words that are now only echoes that once insisted to be significant and now are the path that brought me to this moment. i remember feeling the darkness while looking at what was supposed to be trust and wondering why i allowed it all to happen. i remember the hope that turned into an ugliness that became my path and birthed all that was meant to be.

i am here.
i am here.
i am here.
and it is beauty.
all of it.
it is beauty.
(thank you)

live it baby girl

in jen's kitchen, 11.9.08

sometimes you have that moment...
someone holds up a mirror
and you see you
with an open heart
you see yourself
with your heart wide open
and you own it
you
you own it
who you are
who you want to be
the path behind you
and the possibility
that simply sits before you
(it. is. there.)

this
this is a gift

see it

and live

you take a breath...

Well, I'm writing this while sitting in a tow truck. I'm okay...my car is a bit bruised as I hit some pretty major tire debris while driving on the highway late this evening.

You know those scary moments as a driver where you know you just have to hit what is in your path to avoid creating a bigger accident.

And as I sit here, I am thinking about how we do this as we walk on the path that is our life. How you can be walking in the darkness, and even though it is dark, you think you know where you are because you have been here before...but suddenly something unexpected is there and you don't have time to stop or protect yourself...you must keep going. And you find yourself unable to stop even after you hit it. And as you keep going, maybe you are a bit battered and shaky...but you are okay and (deep breath) you know you are okay. And suddenly there is light and solid ground again.

And you take a breath again.

And you just keep going.

(Or you stop and call for help, but either way, forward momentum while just staying in the moment and breathing seems to be the only answer.)

november 7

for the last week, i have so enjoyed reading your words of hope. such goodness in the comments of that post. i think i need to ask questions more often as the words you all have shared have truly filled me up...

tonight, jonny chose n's comment randomly. n said: i am hoping that our obama will win, that we can rightfully say "president obama" in a few days...and i am hoping that someone will fall truly, madly, deeply, unconditionally in love with me for the rest of my life. and i, with that person, too.

such beautiful hope in those words.

n, please email me (at waywardtulip at gmail dot com), so that i can send the tote and other goodies your way.

and, a few things that have caught my eye in the last week or so:

lk's moon
dar's post about acceptance
jonny's dream
alicia's andy's great pumpkin pasta
richard schiff's words
sarah gardner's work (via melissa loves)
this gorgeous photo (and this one)

still.

imagine being still
breathing in
breathing out
focusing just on you
for this moment
for just this moment
letting go of what might be pulling on you
letting go of the insistent pulling
and just find a stillness
and your breath
and the space around your heart
find that space
breathe into it
allow yourself to find that space
allow yourself this one moment

two girls, two clicks {week 7}

1. backyard sea, 2. wait...pause...breath
(click to see a larger size)

photo collaboration with miss geek inc, week 7

2 girls, 2 clicks

hope. change. light. yes.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves -- if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment.

This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.

-President-elect Barack Obama

today i stand in the light. (and a shop special in honor of election day)

stand in the light.
this has become my soul mantra of late.
i uncover and shift and look inward and move the truth, move myself, into the light.
i walk toward the lightness and let go of (some of) the patterns that seemed to serve me.
i see those patterns for what they are.
i see through them.
i see how those patterns held me close in the darkness.
i see them.
i walk away.
i insist that they release me.
i (try to) no longer ignore or push away or pretend.
i take off the blinders.
i want to find me.
i want to see me.
i cannot see me in the darkness.
i walk toward the light.
i bring the truth that sits inside me.
i bring the truth that is my truth that is nestled inside the wisdom i have had all along.
i stand in the light.
i feel the light, the warm yellow healing light, surround me.
i see me.
i see this life that is me.
i see me.
i stand in the light.
i am free.

*****

i have added the stand in the light soul mantra necklace to the shop. it is available in brass and sterling silver. the i hope soul mantra necklace is also now available in sterling silver.

additionally, i have added the i am abloom soul mantra necklace. it is pictured below with the (new) crystal ball necklace from jen's shop. (i love the way the crystal ball necklace looks with the soul mantra pendants. makes me so happy. this is my everyday look now.)

***and a special in honor of election day: if you let me know that you voted (just put it in the notes to seller as you place your order), you will receive 20% off brass soul mantra necklaces and/or free shipping on sterling silver necklaces. i will reimburse you the sale amount (or free shipping) via paypal after you place your order. this sale is through midnight PST on november 4.***

november 2

i crave...

a little cottage on the ocean where i could spend my days creating and writing and working and playing with the windows wide open to the sound of the push and pull of water and sand and time.

an evening spent with my head on jon's chest as we talk about our wildest dreams for our future and i listen to his heart beat with each rise and fall of breath.

sitting at a kitchen table on gerow avenue with the smell of sausage and the taste of cranberry juice and the feel of the brown faceted heavy juice glass and the sight of the jelly jar filled with violets and the sound of her voice as she talks to herself at the stove.

a conversation with my brother where we really listen to one another and show up as our true selves instead of showing up as the roles we think we are supposed to play because of the path behind us.

blueberry pancakes and fresh orange juice and the sunday paper spread across the kitchen table as i sit cross-legged and just take in a day with nothing else to do.

being surrounded by laughter until my sides and the muscles in my face hurt and just for a moment i am convinced that all must be right in the world.

feeling at peace in my own home instead of feeling like i am drowning in my created mess.

stepping off a plane in paris and setting off just like natasha to explore and eat and drink and dream and take in every drop before being so very glad to get home.

an afternoon with my mother, just the two of us, with no phone calls answered or email that need to be checked or people that need us to solve something...just the two of us.

(this prompt is from sabrina ward harrison's book the true and the questions. michelle mentioned it recently, which prompted me to take it out again.)

i see...

there is so much about this photo that i love. i love the way this little girl's hand is resting on her ankle, like she has just paused to take a breath. i love the way those little legs can bend. an early yoga pose. of course, i have to love that messy face and that a person who loved her decided to capture that mess instead of insisting on clean and perfect. i love the joy on that messy face. i love those spice jars hanging. i can see them in my mind in two other kitchens and wish i had them now as they would be perfectly filled with vintage buttons and arranged by color. i love that wallpaper and can close my eyes and feel the texture of it on my fingertips and i can see those pretty hideous fabric window coverings in the breakfast nook attached to the kitchen. i love that piece of wood to the right of the girl as it is the frame of the magic pass-through window between the kitchen and the family room of this most favorite home.

i can close my eyes and see almost every nook of that most beloved childhood home of this little girl...this little girl who was me...who is me...who is a part of me. this little girl who is inside me. this little girl who whispers to me. i can see the closet under the stairs where we kept the bright-orange cushions for the furniture on the screened-in porch. i can see the black and white nubby fabric-covered couch directly across from the fireplace. i can see the stockings made by my grandmother, my father's mother, hanging. i can see the window seat built-in bench next to the fireplace and i can feel it as i lift it open to peek inside. i can see the built-in bookshelves lined with books. and i can see the one short shelf with the parenting books that i would insist i needed to read when faye, my first cabbage patch kid, arrived for christmas. i can see the all white very small living room with the tiny blue leather couch and the tableclothed round table that was really made of cardboard that i accidentally left in the basement of my last apartment in indiana. i can peek across the entryway and see the dining room with the navy blue with a peek of red wallpaper and matching curtains. i can see family around the dining room table and can look down to see a fancy red perfect for the holidays dress and black patent leather shoes with a bow. i turn and see a little boy wearing fuzzy green pajamas sitting on the stairs and going up one step at a time while facing forward and chattering away. i see the landing outside a bedroom with blue carpet and blue flowered wallpaper. i see the tall bed with the old iron bedframe and the fuschia fabric heart that hangs from the bed post. i see the wooden sign that says the little girl's name and has a slightly crooked z. i see the white shelves that hold the dolls i received every birthday and christmas. i want to rearrange them again; pairing them off by best friends or by couple or by color. i see the ice skating girl's blue velvet dress and fluffy white muff and the ice skating boy with matching clothes. i want a little girl who will arrange those dolls in her blue room. i smell the fresh pink and white flowered sheets on the bed that will one day keep traveler warm as i sit outside with him on a february day, on his last day, when i can't get him to come back inside and i sing to him and read to him as i wait for jonny to get home so we can take him to the vet. i see the ballerina pillowcase that i still use because it takes me back to this room, this most favorite of rooms. i see a hope chest that i am not really supposed to open but that i sometimes peek inside just for a moment as i want to always be good but also want to always know. i never touch anything. i just want to peek. i close my eyes and i can see the other rooms. i see the little tiny sewing room with the funny closet that had stairs. i see the little boy's room filled with toys. i see the guest room with the wallpaper that had hidden animals i would see when i had pnemonia and stayed in that room so my parents could hear me in the middle of the night. i see the door to the attic that housed a little girl's perfect playroom. and i hear the voices. the voices of a young family learning together and doing the best that they can. i hear those voices and the sounds of a home. i hear my grandparent's car pull into the driveway and i see myself run to open the garage door and then jump the steps down to the garage floor and duck under the door as it opens so that i can be the first to hug her. i see the sandbox and the rhodedendrins in bloom and the bird feeders and the three fir trees and the small bit of woods and i wish, i wish in this moment, i wish i could be there, right there, back inside that home...hearing those voices...and feeling my heart burst with love.